Father-in-Law Moved to Nursing Home

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! We were blessed to host family at our house - lots of good conversation and good food!

The days leading up to Christmas were not as enjoyable as they could have been. After my mother-in-law's panic a week ago, someone from the nursing home (which is over an hour away) came to evaluate my father-in-law. On Thursday, she notified my hubby that the nursing home would be coming to get his dad on Friday. She claimed they had advised her not to come visit for a few days, until they could get him settled.  We later found out my mother-in-law had apparently told my father-in-law that they (the nursing home people) were taking him to have Christmas with his kids. He was excited and went along, but once they arrived at the nursing home, he was confused. The nursing home called my sister-in-law, who lives there, to come and calm him down. He did not understand why he wasn't going home with her.

Over the weekend, she received numerous other calls from the nursing home. Her dad was extremely upset, and she finally broke down and told him that 1) the nursing home was his new home because his wife no longer wanted him at his home, and 2) nobody could get him out of the nursing home except his wife. Harsh, yes, but true. My sister-in-law told the nursing home they needed to put a bracelet on him because he was a flight risk. They didn't really believe her but on Saturday evening, he walked out of the nursing home and managed to get about a half mile away before someone found him. The nursing home staff were also scared that he would become violent - thanks to whatever my mother-in-law had told them. He gets frustrated, is vocal and stubborn, but he is not violent. My sister-in-law also learned that the nursing home did not tell my mother-in-law not to come, rather they told her she SHOULD come and help him get settled. We have come to the conclusion that, sadly, my mother-in-law is more interested in having him out of her hair than she is worried about how she can help him.

We learned she could have waited until after Christmas to have him moved to the nursing home. She also has the option of moving him closer to home if there is an opening, but she indicated she probably would not do that. He's over an hour away from home, and she was quite blunt with everyone that she will not be driving to see him during the winter. The more she says, the more we are convinced she is basically abandoning him - she no longer wants to deal with him. Very sad, but true.

My hubby and his siblings are struggling with this situation. Honestly, so am I. I would like to share a few choice words with my mother-in-law, but it's not my place. I pray that my father-in-law understands that the nursing home IS his new home, and that he will adjust quickly. The sad part is that he is not far enough gone with his Alzheimer's to be kept in the nursing home, and I fear they will need to sedate him to keep him from leaving and hurting himself. I've regretfully come to the conclusion that my mother-in-law is a very selfish woman. I hope that 2013 brings happier days for my father-in-law and my hubby and his siblings.

Otherwise, we were thankful to have good weather, which allowed family to travel where they needed to go. A few family members were not feeling 100% but we hope they feel better soon.

Here's to good health, happiness and better days ahead for 2013!

Birthdays and Tag-teaming Family

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my upcoming milestone birthday and how I didn't feel old.  Then what did I promptly do?  I forgot about things I shouldn't have, like this blog. NOW I feel old. It sure didn't take long.  But life is always busy at this time of year, so maybe I'll just use that as an excuse.

I had a wonderful birthday in spite of my misgivings.  My coworkers planned a surprise party for me - which I really would have been fine without! - but I am grateful for them thinking about me. We had cake and ice cream, and they even sang to me. I was embarrassed, but then, I don't like being the center of attention. Not even on my birthday!  Hubby and son took me out to dinner and I threatened them with bodily harm if they embarrassed me at the restaurant.  Daughter and her boyfriend joined us, and I warned them ahead of time, too. NO EMBARRASSING ME!  Luckily, everyone behaved and we had a nice, enjoyable dinner. I'm thankful for family and good friends to share my days with - and not just my milestone days!

Since then, we've been super busy decorating and shopping for Christmas. Today we finished all the big stuff, so now I only have small stuff to pick up. We wrapped the extended family gifts and they are under the tree.  Immediate family gifts are still hidden in various places until we can sufficiently mask them well enough to wrap them while others are nearby. Always a challenge but we'll get there.  With Daughter moved out, I took over her bedroom as my stash room. I've been keeping the door shut, and hopefully my dear hubby is behaving himself during the day and not sneaking around to see what I've come home with. I haven't left anything out in plain sight, but still.

Today we also visited my father-in-law. He was outside when we got there, packing the truck to go north. He wants to go back to his parents house. His parents are both gone, but he doesn't realize that. We managed to get him in the house and distracted him with other discussions. Hubby and I have gotten good at tag-teaming. One of us keeps my father-in-law busy while the other pumps my mother-in-law for information. I know that sounds bad, but it's kind of what we do. As I've said before, we don't know if what she's telling us is the truth or not, so we ask questions and hopefully what we put together from various conversations is accurate. 

But today was not a good day there. My mother-in-law was on the phone with my sister-in-law, who had called unwittingly in the middle of the argument that my father-in-law's parents are gone. When she talked to her dad, and agreed with his wife, my father-in-law was furious and started to hang up on her. My mother-in-law grabbed the phone and talked with my sister-in-law, and the end result of that conversation was that my mother-in-law threatened to pack up and leave because she says she can't take it anymore. Hubby and I are used to hearing it - she says it often - but apparently my sister-in-law thought she was dead serious. She made some calls and found out that the nursing home near her (over an hour away from where we live) has an opening, and that they can take her dad right away, if they deem him suitably ready. Of course, we couldn't say anything to let my sister-in-law know that the threat was not necessarily an immediate threat - not with my mother-in-law right there.

My father-in-law is not ready to be in a nursing home. He has enough of his wits about him that he WILL know what is going on, and whomever he considers responsible for putting him there will incur his wrath. It will not be pretty. I personally don't think he's that far gone, but I do understand how difficult it must be to live with him day in and day out, fighting to keep him safe and also trying to keep him involved in things. The adult day care helps some, but my mother-in-law says the weekends are the worst. I don't know if they are really that much worse, or if it's just because she has to worry about him 24 hours a day on the weekends. Either way, I do feel sorry for her but she's still not doing anything to help herself. That makes it difficult, because we feel that she just wants him incarcerated so she can do whatever she wants. At what point did she stop considering HIM in all this? 

I really try hard not to judge. I'm not in her shoes. I don't have to cope with him on a daily basis. I hope we never have to face that. I know it's hard. So I pray that whatever is best for him is what happens.

I also pray for all the families devastated by the shootings in Connecticut yesterday.  My heart goes out to them. I can not imagine what they are going through. Hug your kids, and the rest of your family and be sure they know you love them.  And on that note, I want to let you - my readers - know how much I appreciate YOU! 

I Don't Feel Old

It's hard to believe it's December already.  Where did 2012 go?

My next milestone birthday looms this week. I haven't decided how I feel about it. Grateful to be alive, for sure! Someone I work with asked me last week if this one would bother me. She will be experiencing the same milestone birthday two days after mine, and she was not looking forward to it. I told her that I was trying not to think too much about it. I don't feel old, so I don't want to start thinking old. You're only as old as you feel, right?

I checked in with my parents this week, as I usually do. It's frustrating to try talking to them on the phone while they are having a conversation with someone else in the same room with them. It happens more often with mom. I guess she's multitasking. But sometimes it leaves me wondering if she heard anything I said to her. Even when I visit, she seems lost in her own world. When my kids were little, she adored them. As they grew up, however, she seemed to lose interest in them. I don't mean that she doesn't care about them - she does. But instead of being interested in what they are doing, she still wants to talk about her. This is frustrating to me, but I don't think she even realizes she's doing it.

I was talking with others about older people and their idiosyncracies. Women, especially, seem to become more self-centered as they age. Is it because many of them are widowed and alone, with nobody to talk to? For those who are still married, have they and their husbands drifted so far apart that they don't talk? We all like to talk about ourselves, to some degree, but many of these women do it incessantly. In a conversation with them, everything you say is somehow turned around to be about them. It makes it difficult to have conversations with them.

And their need to take a bath in perfume? I believe it stems from a desire to hide body odor. While I understand that desire, is it really necessary to dowse yourself in it? It's very overwhelming to those nearby, especially those with health issues that are exacerbated by the perfumes.

As I attempt to age gracefully, I hope that I am able to avoid doing some of the things I find offensive in others. I realize though that I am human, I am woman, and aw, heck - I am getting older, too.

Thanksgiving Reflections

You’d think by now I would have figured out that I always eat too much for Thanksgiving. I should know better than to snack on the fruit, the olives, and the cheese and crackers that always adorn my mother-in-laws’ table prior to our actual meal. But every year, I join the other family members, snagging a piece of this or a piece of that as I go by the table.  By the time our meal is actually ready, I don’t want to eat too much because there are still umpteen varieties of dessert to choose from!  The only good part is that we normally eat before mid-afternoon, which means I’m never hungry for dinner! In spite of – or maybe because of – so much food, I am still thankful for time with the family and plenty of food on our table.

Blended families present a variety of situations during the holidays. This year, my father-in-law (married to my husband’s mother) is experiencing health problems and we may lose him sooner than any of us are prepared for. My mother- and father-in-law have never combined the two families for anything, I suspect because from what I’ve been told, his kids think my mother-in-law is the bad guy. So instead of him having a relaxing day with our side of the family, one of his son’s showed up late in the afternoon with his mail-order bride, wanting to collect some of the family pictures. His son didn’t care that our side of the family was there, he didn’t care that my father-in-law didn’t feel well – he didn’t even ask my father-in-law how he was.  The son just wanted pictures that he was convinced were there. My mother-in-law was rather short with him, and I found out later that the son usually is very disrespectful of my mother-in-law. I also learned that when he sponsored his mail-order bride, he paid half the fees and wanted my mother- and father-in-law to pay the rest! We have no idea if they did or not, and we aren’t sure we want to know!

Today, we visited my other father-in-law (my husband’s dad). His Alzheimer’s is progressing, steadily I would say. He has been attending an adult day care for awhile now, and he looks forward to going. His wife tells us that he packs his computer in his bag every morning and waits by the door for the bus. He told me that he has several homes and that is one of them. He said he meets people there, and they do stuff, but when I asked him what they do, he couldn’t tell me. He doesn’t know who we are, unless she tells him, and then he doesn’t always remember while we are there. He asked my husband which side of the family he belongs to. And he thinks my daughter is actually two different people. He has a picture of himself with her when she was little taped to his desk, and he talks about her driving her race car now, but he doesn’t realize she is the same person.

Soon, I need to visit my own parents. I don’t see them often enough, although I do try to call them every week or two. I know it’s not enough, and I want to be better about visiting them. My dad, bless his heart, always asks me how my husband’s dad is doing. I appreciate that he worries, but I suspect he also is asking because he’s afraid he or my mother may end up with Alzheimer’s. My grandmother had it, so it’s entirely possible that my mother may end up with it. It’s a scary thought, but one to be thinking about so we are prepared.

Isn't that what a referee should be - prepared?

Giving Thanks

As Thanksgiving looms, and amid all the "Days of Thanks" postings on Facebook, I am thankful for so much: my family and friends, my health, a home and a job, and I could go on and on. But suffice it to say I AM THANKFUL. For everything.

My sister and I had a safe, quick but yet long trip to Ohio last weekend to get my grandmother's furniture. It was nice to have sister-time to visit and we definitely took advantage of it. We talked about our families, our jobs, and probably everything else under the sun. We agree to disagree on some things but that doesn't make our visits any less fun.

There was also some emotional stuff going on.  We visited the cemeteries and drove around town, checking out how our old neighborhoods - and the town in general - have changed. Everything looks so small now, and we found ourselves wondering where we would be in our lives if we had never moved away. We know we wouldn't be where we are now, so in a roundabout way, we are thankful we DID move.

I visited with mom and dad on Friday before we went. They took it better than I expected them to. Mom wished I'd told her earlier so she could write a letter for my aunt, and dad asked why I was telling him about the trip.  He said I'm an adult and that I'm not accountable to him for what I do. I told him I didn't want him to be upset that we were going and not taking them, and that we were staying with his sister.  He seemed fine with that.

When we returned, I emailed my real-dad's wife and thanked her again for sharing the furniture with us. She insisted again that it was important to keep things within the family. While I still sometimes don't quite know what to make of her, I am grateful (again) that she has given us these things. They mean a lot to us. And when I think about that, I get emotional.  It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride this week for me, thinking about my grandma, my real-dad, my life and what is and what is not. No, I can not change the past - I only wish I could find answers. But I also realize - and accept - that I probably never will.

So I leave you with this: regardless of the state of your family affairs, be thankful that you HAVE family. Yes, they may drive you crazy at times but in the end, they are your family and that's what counts.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!

November Blessings

Things have quieted down a little this week.

My CT scan results were unremarkable, to borrow a word from the radiologists report. They didn't find anything significant. I struggle a little with how one person could say I have blood clots in my spleen, and then the others say there's nothing notable there. Do I or don't I have them? Nobody seems to be worried about them, except me!  My doctor recommended waiting, watching, and doing another CT scan in about 6 months to follow-up. I'll be a nervous wreck, waiting for the other shoe to drop and hoping it doesn't.

We visited my father-in-law today.  We haven't been there in several weeks, and we were anxious to see how he is progressing.  He seems about the same - he's coherent earlier in the day, but by around 3 PM, he starts to get fuzzy.  His eyes start glazing over and he starts repeating himself more. The rough part today was his dog was hit by a car last weekend, and they had to put him to sleep because of his injuries.  Instead of just letting him think what he wants, my mother-in-law wanted to argue with him about what happened and how they decided to put the dog to sleep. Again we wondered, why does she argue with him?  It just aggravates him and it doesn't accomplish anything.  Who cares if he's right or wrong? Let him think what he wants. She drives us crazy sometimes.

Son has frustrated me this week.  We finally purchased a vehicle for him - we still aren't sure if it was the right choice, but we aren't sure it was the wrong choice either.  Anyway, he was leaving for school the other morning and didn't completely scrape his windows, which were frosted over.  He only scraped the drivers side, then drove off.  Since I was home, I watched him leave.  Then I called him and told him he needed to scrape the WHOLE window.  He asked me what I expected him to do, and I said "Pull over and scrape the windows!"  That night, he informed me that he wasn't going to put up with me watching him and following him like I did his sister. I, in turn, informed him that I would watch him and follow him if necessary and that if he didn't like it, he would be riding with me again instead of driving his own car.  I know he wasn't happy but I think I made my point. And here I was thinking he was going to be easier than my daughter...

The Referee is escaping to Ohio next weekend, so I won't be posting then. My real father's wife called.  She is remarried and moving to a new home, and wanted to know if my sister and I would like to have furniture that belonged to my grandmother. Of course!  So we are making a quick trip there to pick up whatever she is willing to give us that will fit in our vehicle. It will be a long trip in a short time, but my sister and I will make the most of it, and we'll enjoy the time we have together. 

It is November and a time to give thanks for all our blessings. In spite of my ramblings about how my family drives me crazy, I am so very thankful to have them!

Best Laid Plans...

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks at the Referee’s household.  Last week we were running with Son’s post-season soccer games.  I’m very proud of his team for all they accomplished this year.  Unfortunately, a week ago on Saturday they lost the sectional championship game to the eventual 2nd place State team in our class.  They played their hearts out, though, and they have nothing to be ashamed of.  Congratulations team!

Throughout the last week of soccer, hubby was fighting a virus.  He ran a fever and was sick for about 4 days.  I was really worried, because he doesn’t get sick.  I can count on one hand the times he’s been sick and I’ve known him for 25 years.  He was sad to miss son’s last soccer game for this year.

This week started off better.  With two of my busiest bosses out of the country I was looking forward to catching up at work.  But ah, the best laid plans...

Hubby asked me to take Wednesday off to go hiking - it was promising to be a beautiful day and we thought it might be our last hurrah before the winter sets in.  And it was a beautiful day!  We enjoyed our hikes and saw lots of deer, some butterflies, and a turtle.  I could watch the deer all day!  Headed back home about 4 PM to take Son to town and look at a possible vehicle for him.  Three hours later, we came home with a car for him.  We’re not sure it’s the right vehicle, but we’re not sure it’s the wrong one either, if that makes any sense.  I’m hoping it turns out to be the right one, otherwise the peace in our house will be nonexistent.

Wednesday night I started having pains in my left side.  By Thursday morning, I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what.  We made a trip to convenient care and I was sent home with muscle relaxers for back spasms.  The NP was convinced I had shingles - even though I had no rash, but decided to “go with” back spasms.  Let me tell you, that gave me warm fuzzies.  But I took the muscle relaxers thinking back spasms made sense with how I was feeling.  Had I pulled something while hiking?  I hadn’t done anything more strenuous than usual on our hikes.

By Thursday night, I decided the NP was nuts.  The pain had moved around to the front, and by then I was having sharp, stabbing pains in my side.  I suffered through another night of little sleep and after a call to my doctors office Friday morning, we made the trip to the ER.  It took six hours to get a diagnosis but I am grateful that the ER doctor was thorough.  I have blood clots in my spleen.  No idea why they are there, but a CT scan clearly showed them.  I was released to go home with anti-inflammatory and pain meds, with orders to follow up with my regular doc on Monday.

Of course the first thing I did was Google my symptoms.  My official diagnosis was splenic infarction.  There isn’t much information out there, but it sounds as if removal of the spleen is a very real possibility.  I am not thrilled with that prospect.  But I am hopeful the doc will have a better alternative to offer when I see him tomorrow.

On a good note, my father-in-law has apparently been enjoying the adult day care program.  Because he is a former minister, they have him leading some prayer sessions and he even has a “girlfriend” there.  The lady has been unresponsive to others, until my father-in-law arrived.  Now she seeks him out, and participates with him there.  I’m thankful he has a higher purpose for being there and that he can still help others.  In subtle ways, it may help him more than we realize, too.

Parenting Parents

This week, my father-in-law decided he was going to the Quad Cities to see his parents. He packed up his computer and some clothes, and put them in the truck. His wife told him he wasn't taking the truck, so he climbed on his bike and took off. They later found him several miles away in another town. He had looked at a map, and was headed to the interstate. Thankfully, they found him before he got that far.

His wife refuses to take the bike away. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. She calls my husband or his brother at least a couple of times a week, complaining that she just can't take it any more. Starting tomorrow, she has him enrolled in an adult day care program. They will pick him up and bring him home, but if he causes any trouble during the day, he's done. He only gets one chance. That means if he cries, if he has bladder problems, or if he is argumentative, they're done with him. We don't know what to think. We can see him hating it, and we can see him enjoying the chance to talk to other people. My husband suggested telling him that this place NEEDS him to talk with these people. My father-in-law is a retired minister, and he does remember those days, or some of them anyway. So maybe appealing to that side of him will work. We can only hope so. 

Last week, my son's soccer team played a rival team for the conference championship. We had previously lost to this team in overtime, on penalty kicks, for the conference tournament. As per their usual antics, the other team's parents were horribly obnoxious to the referees from the minute the game started. They called the refs names, they screamed obscenities, they stomped and carried on like cursing two-year-olds on the sidelines. It was ridiculous. 

During the course of the game, two of our players went out with concussions. One of their players broke his collarbone. Another of their players - their star player - got a yellow and then a red card, which took him out of our game and also kept him out of the next two games. That's what happens when you have bad sportsmanship. The game ended on a 1-1 tie, which took us to overtime. Unfortunately, our team had plenty of chances to score and didn't, and we ended up losing to them.  

Following the game, some of the parents were screaming at each other, their fans vs. our fans. I happened to be in the middle of them, and something inside me just snapped.  First I told them it was only a game. Other parents agreed with me, and were trying to keep our respective fans from getting into a fight. One man on the other team would not let it go. He stepped around someone else, and I have no idea what possessed me but I stepped in front of him (he was a great big guy and I am short) and said "Sir, what are you teaching your kids?"  I didn't yell, didn't scream, just felt the need to make a point. He looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to swat away, but the lady in front of him attacked me, turning it back on me and implying that I was the one in the wrong. I don't believe I was wrong.

You see, too many parents are living vicariously through their children. Most of them think their athletes are better athletes than they really are. I mean, come on, how many of these kids will actually become pro players?  My kids both were active in sports, and yes, I want their teams to win. But they need to win and be proud of how they played the game. What pride is there in winning a game that you only won because you were bigger thugs than the players on the other team? 

Parents, I beg you, think about what you are teaching your kids. They don't know what sportsmanship is. They don't know what manners are. They think, because of how you behave, that they are ENTITLED - to win, to be rude, and to taunt others. 

Just remember, what goes around comes around.

Getting Lost

A man can't even get lost when he wants to.

Those were the words my father-in-law uttered when we found him in St. Louis earlier this year. Since then, he has tried numerous times to "get lost" without success. They took his golf-cart away because it didn't have lights and turn signals, and in their town, that's against the law. It also meant he couldn't travel so far from home. Or so we thought.

My mother-in-law got him a three-wheel bike when the golf cart went away. He has to work a little harder to make it go, but that hasn't stopped him. His physical condition has never been the problem. In the past week or so, my father-in-law has twice taken a four-lane divided highway (not an interstate) several miles from home. Both times, thankfully, someone realized he was confused and helped get him home. But this is dangerous because of the type of traffic on the roads these days. It's harvest, so there are numerous tractors and other farm vehicles, along with many more semi's hauling crops to the elevators.

Another day, he managed to get almost 8 miles away, the opposite direction, before a concerned farmer and his family cornered him. He didn't know where he was, but he did know where he was going, and he was going the right direction. That's scary.

Hubby went and spent the afternoon with his dad one day this past week, giving my mother-in-law a chance to go run errands and take a break. Part way through the afternoon, he told my hubby that he knows his wife is up to something, he's not sure what but he is sure it's nothing good. And he's right. She's trying to get everything in place to admit him to the nursing home. While I understand that at some point she can no longer care for him the way he needs to be cared for, I don't think she's trying very hard any more. I think she's decided she just can't handle it - and maybe she can't - so it's time for him to go. But she doesn't want to take the blame (from him) for that. She wants the hubby and his siblings to "put him in" the nursing home.

It's not going to happen, unless she bolts. As his wife, it is her responsibility to take care of him. His kids don't have power of attorney, they don't have any legal right to make decisions for him. On top of that, again - they don't like her, and they don't believe their dad is to the point where he needs to be in the nursing home. Frankly, neither do I. I think my mother-in-law needs to take advantage of the programs that are available to help her - and there are quite a few. She just doesn't want to do the paperwork involved. I know this to be true because she told me that she doesn't understand the papers so she just doesn't fill them out. We could offer to help, but that would mean she would have to share financial information with us, and she is bound and determined not to do that.

So, every day we expect another call from her, crying and saying she can't take it any more. And while I sympathize because I know it's not easy to deal with Alzheimer's 24/7, I have no respect for her trying to make everyone else do her dirty work. We're willing to help but we're not going to do it for her.

In the meantime, my father-in-law continues to try to get lost. My biggest fear is that one of these days he will succeed. And then, all Hell is going to break loose.

In-laws in Trouble

In the midst of a busy week, we took some extra time off work to visit and check on my father-in-law, since we needed to be in town for a soccer game.  Earlier in the day, my mother-in-law called.  She was at her wits’ end with my father-in-law.  Twice this week he has made his way too far up a 4 lane, divided highway on his three-wheel bike.  Both times, he was found by someone who said he was disoriented and seemed out of it.  Mother-in-law wants to take the bike away now, just as she did the golf cart.  That could be more bad than good - at least with the bike he needs to stay on some semblance of a road.  If he is on foot, he could go anywhere.  We’d never find him.

Hubby talked, or rather listened, to his dad while I urged my mother-in-law outside to talk.  She was crying and upset and that was only going to upset him more.  Besides, I hate it when she talks about him as if he isn’t there, even though his hearing is so bad he probably doesn’t hear anything she says.  It just makes me uncomfortable.

She said she just can’t take it any more. She had hoped to keep him home with her for 5-6 more years at least, but he’s become more than she can handle.  She’s exhausted and frustrated.  She’d called the doctors office and asked for help getting him admitted to a nursing home, or rather an Alzheimer’s unit.  They called back while we were there, and they wanted to be sure his kids are in agreement that it’s time. Most of us are.  Those who aren’t are in denial of his condition.  They are quick to criticize her handling of the situation - and although over the years, she hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the kids, they don’t have to live with him.  They don’t have to put up with his mood swings and other problems like she does.  Until they do, they should not be so quick to judge her.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has only an 8th grade education.  She has been struggling to understand the legal documents required for insurance and medical purposes.  Although she is happy to complain to us about things, she doesn’t want to share those things with us - I think because she’s scare of losing control.  The problem is that in not understanding the papers, she’s creating a deeper hole for herself (for them).  For instance, she should have turned in the papers to Family Services requesting help weeks ago.  She didn’t turn them in until yesterday.  We talked about the nursing home papers and getting him on a list weeks ago, too.  She didn’t fill out any of the papers and turn them in - until yesterday when she couldn’t take it anymore.  But nursing homes and Family Services don’t help you the minute you turn in papers. They take time to read the information, to assess and investigate, before they make any commitments to helping you.  So in essence, she’s weeks behind where she could be, if only she had turned in the papers previously.  If only she had asked for help.  Yes, we’ve offered.

We also learned they have not filed income tax documents for past few years.  Now the IRS is on them.  They may lose their house because my father-in-law insisted on handling the papers himself when they bought the house, instead of getting a lawyer.  Now they are locked into some kind of balloon loan with a high interest rate, and one that for some reason has to be renewed every five years.  Never heard of such a thing, so I don’t know if what she is telling us is accurate or if it’s a confused interpretation of her own (mis)understanding.

My mother-in-law is also upset that the other siblings do not try to help.  Three of us live within an hour of their house.  The other two are not too much farther away.  If all of them would make an attempt to come once a month and visit for a couple hours, it would make a huge difference.  My father-in-law is coherent enough at times that he knows who has been there and who has not.  And my thought is, if you aren’t going to make the effort to visit, then why should you get to make decisions on his care?  You aren’t there.  You aren’t witnessing his deterioration like we are.  I don’t care that they don’t like my mother-in-law. I’m pretty sure it’s mutual.  But, shouldn’t you care enough about you dad to at least call?

One of these days, probably sooner than later, he’s going to be gone and then they’ll wish they had these days back.  I’ll have a hard time feeling sorry for them when they had ample opportunity and didn’t take it.  And it’s not like they don’t realize it - we’ve all talked about it.  They just choose to let us deal with it, while they ignore it.

Sometimes I wish they weren’t family so I could tell them what I really think.

My Life is Not My Own

The weekend got away from me, since my life is not my own!  Busy week last week, mostly because of soccer games. It's hard to keep up with the everyday things when you're on the road all the time.

We visited my father-in-law a week ago.  His regressions are getting more obvious.  His attention span is very small, and he gets upset easily and cries.  That is really hard to take.  The doctor wanted him to have a colonoscopy late last week, and his wife was not looking forward to the experience of trying to get him there. We were hoping she would just skip it - he won't go for treatment even if they find something.  So we need to follow up and see what she found out.

This past weekend was very busy!  Saturday was a day for soccer, two weddings, and homecoming. We started out with soccer  at 10 AM - which our home team won!  It was a good start to the day.  Immediately after the game, we rushed home to change clothes, then headed to the first wedding. It was a little over an hour drive, but we made it with about 15 minutes to spare.  My niece got married to a wonderful young man, and Daughter was in the wedding.  I shed a few tears, along with many others.  The reception was short but sweet, and by 7 PM we were headed back home to attend the other reception.  I was sorry to miss the second wedding, but family comes first.  The second reception was fun, too.  Good friends, good music (and a little dancing), and fun in the photobooth.  

I did miss out on Homecoming pictures, but then Son did not take a date, and he was not interested in me taking pictures of him in his dress clothes.  But he does clean up nice!  And if he would have had a date, I would have skipped the first reception to be home for Son.  Ah well, maybe next year... 

Sunday was busy with house stuff like dishes and laundry, all the things we haven't been home to do for the past week or so.  And then we had more soccer yesterday and today (both wins)!

Daughter told me she also had her first "normal" headache in months.  She said she knew immediately it was a normal one, and not one of the horrible ones she has been having.  Maybe the medicine is starting to work, but I really would feel better if she wasn't on it.  The side effects are terrible.  Two more weeks before we go back to the doctor.  Hopefully she continues to improve and can get off the meds.  

Extended family and friends are still in my thoughts and prayers.  Some have received good news, but I'm still keeping them all in mind.  

And this week I need to check on the parents, since I haven't been home to do that.  I do know that Mom was released to go back to work for a few hours at a time.  I hope that is going well for her.  Youngest brother found out he has a broken bone in his foot, which means more time off work, which he can ill-afford.  And Dad is my link to all the news.  I look forward to his frequent one or two line emails, just asking how things are and letting me know he cares.  Thanks Dad!

Home and Health

Another week gone by and we're no closer to the answers we're looking for.  Daughter had her MRI yesterday but we won't know anything until Monday or Tuesday.  Mixed feelings await the results - we want the MRI to show what the problem is, but at the same time, we don't want the MRI to show something bad. It's scary to be waiting. Various family members and friends are also battling health issues.  I've been praying for all of them, and will continue to do so.

Daughter is having an adjustment period in her new home.  She has discovered that not all men were brought up to do household chores, as her dad was.  No, cleaning house and doing dishes is not "a woman's job" but  many men will not acknowledge that.  My advice to her boyfriend, if I could give it to him, would be to contribute to the household or your life will be miserable!  Daughter does not forgive and forget easily. 

I suspect there is more going on than she lets on.  Yes, she's stubborn and can be difficult at times, but she means well.  He is also stubborn, from what I've seen, so I'm sure they are knocking heads. I think maybe they are having a little too much "together" time living together.  They both need to spend some time with their own friends, doing their own thing, and not feel that they have to spend every waking moment together. Hopefully they can work it out soon. 

Tomorrow we will be visiting my father-in-law again.  It's always emotionally draining to visit, but I know it's just something we have to do.  Who knows what my mother-in-law will have to say this time?  She always comes up with totally mixed up information.  I really wonder sometimes if she isn't also having problems.  The last time we visited, she told us there were two nursing homes who could take him with his Alzheimer's, and she gave us the names.  One of the names is the name of a city administrative center, and the other we couldn't find in the phone book or on-line.  Does she just make this stuff up? 

Our kids keep telling us they're going to put us in the nursing home when we reach "the age" - whatever that is.  I don't know what would be worse - having your mind but being in physical pain, or not having your mind and being physically healthy. I hope I don't have to find out... can't I just be a normal person like I am now for the rest of my life?  **sigh**

Update from the Nest

I've survived the first week without my daughter at home, but not without some sleepless nights.  I don't know if it's not knowing if she's home safely or just general worrying that is keeping me awake, but something sure is!  Luckily, daughter is good about texting me.  As soon as my current texting plan runs out, I plan to increase it.  It's not the same as having her here, or talking to her, but it's better than nothing!

She's still fighting headaches, and we have an MRI scheduled for this week.  I hope it finds nothing significant, and I've already started a list of things to check on following the MRI.  I just wish I could fix this for her, and make the headaches go away.  I hate feeling so helpless.

Son has been busy with soccer.  Three games last week.  Three games scheduled for this week, with the possibility of a fourth being added.  This year is our "away" year - we have more away games than home, and most of them are about an hour away.  It makes for late dinners and late nights home. Maybe that's contributing to my not sleeping.

The parental units are also on my mind.  Mom and Dad are doing alright, although Mom still seems to be having some respiratory problems.  Shoulder physical therapy has gone well and she will soon be released to work a few hours and see how it goes.  Dad has his problems with dizziness and possibly early signs of dementia.  He gets very upset when we tell him about his episodes of memory loss and other weird actions.  Understandable, but we are just looking out for him.

My father-in-law is also getting worse.  He is not thrilled with the three-wheeled bike but at least it gets him out of the house.  He also strongly dislikes his "babysitter" but she is a great help to my mother-in-law, just by virtue of her being there so my mother-in-law can escape for a couple of hours.  Mother-in-law did talk with Family Services and they are putting my father-in-law on the alzheimer's/nursing home wait list, but if a spot comes open she doesn't have to take it, and they will still keep him on the list.  They did recommend an adult day care program for at least one day a week, which would be good for his socialization skills.  I'm sure he won't like that any better than he likes his babysitter.

I'm also worrying about some extended family members and friends who are having some health issues.  I want them to know they are in my prayers.

Yes, I'm a worry-wart.  It's what I do best.

The Nest is Half Empty

The time has come for my life as I know it to change.

My daughter moved out yesterday, with our blessings.  That doesn’t mean it was any easier to help her pack up and move.  But she’s almost 21 and she’s ready to be on her own, so I have to let her go.  She and her boyfriend found a place together, and they are very excited to be there.  Lucky for me, their place is less than 30 minutes away.

We did as they asked - we helped them move the heavy furniture in, unloaded the boxes into the garage, and left them to unpack.  They wanted to do it themselves, and I don’t blame them.  I held it together but I felt pretty lost driving away and leaving her behind.  Is this how it feels to leave your kid at college?

I came home and wandered through the house, back to her room.  She hasn’t emptied it completely, but it’s pretty bare without her furniture and her clothes piled all over the floor.  It’s funny how empty the house feels, knowing she’s not here.  For the past few months, she’s been gone more than she’s been home, but I always knew she would come home.  Now, she’ll come to visit but she won’t be staying.

Isn’t this what we, as parents, are supposed to do?  Raise our children up to be well-adjusted, functioning adults, then push them out into the world.  In my head, I know it is.  My heart would rather have kept her little for longer.

Later last night, I got on Facebook. She had posted a message saying she’d already told her boyfriend “I miss my mom.”  My heart just melted.  I haven’t lost her after all.  She’s just beginning to make her own life, but I will be a part of it.

I still have my son at home, but at 16 he’d rather not have much to do with mom.  I exist to feed him.  And give him money and a vehicle to drive.  But one of these days, that won’t be enough and he, too, will move out.

I’m sure it won’t be any easier the second time around.

Headaches, Golf Carts, and Girlfriends

Daughter had her appointment with the neurologist this week to see what we can do about her headaches.  Thankfully, he does not think there is anything terribly wrong.  After asking a lot of questions and examining her, he believes she is having atypical migraines. He prescribed a gradually increasing dose of Topamax to hopefully get them under control, and Imitrex for aborting them if they become really bad. The side effects of both these medicines are scary, but hopefully when we return for a follow-up appointment in 6 weeks, the headaches will be under control and we can start weaning her off the meds. Dr. told her she is a perfectionist and a worry wart (she is), and also prescribed "homework" - he suggested she read "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey. I hope it will help her learn to cope with life. 

We dealt with another kind of headache, too.  After speaking with the local cops, my mother-in-law sold my father-in-law's golf cart. The village was not going to renew his permit (I didn't know you had to have one to drive a golf cart in town) because the golf cart did not have headlights, taillights, or turn signals.  My mother-in-law apparently didn't think it was worth putting the money into adding those things, so she sold it. Didn't mention it to any of us - just sold it.  Now my father-in-law has a three-wheel bike with a basket between the back wheels. I'm not sure it will change his habits much - he still takes off and rides around town. The difference is he has to provide the power!  The bike doesn't have lights either, so we are concerned that he will continue to take off at 3 AM and ride around town. At least there was more to the golf cart than there is to the bike. Now he will be harder to see.  I'm praying for his safety.

My brother recently designated me a member of the GFATF. I told him I had no earthly idea of what he was talking about!  Turns out he is dating a new lady, and he has decided that I am to head up the Girl Friend Approval Task Force. Why, I don't know!  I live three hours from him and I'm not likely to be around to see how well they get along. But for some reason, he trusts my opinions. Which makes me feel good, but at the same time, I don't want that responsibility!  

So part of the family got to meet the new lady. My first reaction was Hooray!  Finally a normal woman!  She  was friendly and personable, and seemed perfectly able to hold her own.  He usually goes after women who are blonde and too skinny, with no personality. This one is blonde, slender but curvy, and she has personality. She seemed very at ease with all of the family who paraded through my mom's house - she had to feel as if she were on trial. But she had a smile on her face, and appeared perfectly at ease. She has two little girls and she got definite brownie points with me when I asked what her girls thought of my brother. She said they haven't met yet - that tells me family comes first with her and that she is not risking her kids for her relationship. I have to respect that. Plus it will hopefully slow my brother down, as he has a habit of falling hard and jumping in too fast.  The GFATF review was submitted shortly after they left: all family present approved! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this relationship might have a future!

Between all the family things and Son's soccer games, the Referee's life is not her own.  But I'm still managing to fit in some reading, and of course my daily dose of chocolate!

Summer is Officially Over

Summer is officially over for Son. He started back to school yesterday, although it was a short day. Only two more years of high school to go - I'm sure they will fly by but he's equally sure they will drag. There are many things I will not miss, but I fear there are many more that I will!

My father-in-law had his golf cart taken away. Apparently you have to have a special permit to drive one in town - I didn't know that. And your cart has to have working headlights, turn signals, and taillights. His had none of the above. The police had received complaints about him being out and about before dawn, and we agree driving around with no lights is a hazard. So my mother-in-law sold the golf cart (she's not sharing any information on to who or when), and now my father-in-law has what amounts to a tricycle: a three-wheel bicycle. The problem didn't go away - he could still take off at 3 AM and ride around town - the vehicle just changed.

My mom is still going to physical therapy for the shoulder surgery she had this spring, but is doing well. She's been fighting some respiratory problems though.  Dad is having more episodes where he is really out of it, doesn't know where he is or what is going on around him. He doesn't want to admit it's happening and doesn't want any of us kids to know. I feel the need to check on them more often knowing this is happening.

We're also throwing a new dimension of worry into our immediate family picture. Daughter has been having really bad headaches off and on all summer. Getting in to see the neurologist was a challenge, but our day is almost here. We see him this week. I sure hope he can help us figure out what is causing the headaches, and that it's nothing major. She's been keeping a log of dates and headaches, how long they last and their intensity. She's eating healthier, too. But nothing seems to be helping relieve the headaches once they start. I try not to let her know how much I worry that something might be really wrong, but I know it has crossed her mind, too.  I pray that nothing is seriously wrong and that the neurologist can find the cause and treat them.

Back to school means my life is once again not my own! Between family and soccer games, we'll be on the road almost as much as we are at home. That doesn't bode well for healthy eating, or getting enough rest.  But each year we manage to get through it. I keep reminding myself it's only two more years, and then what will I do?  I'm sure I'll find plenty of things to keep me busy, but it won't be the same. So while I may vent, I wouldn't trade it for the world!  

I Could Get Used to Being on Vacation...

I wish vacation could last longer. But I won't complain - at least I was able to take one!

We got off to a rough start. Son was not happy about our choice of vacation - or rather stay-cation - for this year.  He wanted to go on a REAL vacation. For several reasons, we had chosen not to go too far away from home.  He said some things that hurt because they were truthful, but it didn't change the fact that we had our reasons for not doing something different. Luckily, once we got it all out in the open, things improved. 

We went hiking at Shades State Park, where we were able to hike up the creek beds because the area has seen so little rain. We really enjoyed our day there.  A couple days later, we went hiking at Turkey Run State Park. The 70 steps down to the start of the trails was not my idea of a good start for the day. That meant I had to go back up those 70 stairs! And since hubby has a knack for picking the best trails, we ended up on a trail that had way too many steps and 2 ladders - the ladders were way easier than the steps. By the end of the day, I didn't care if I ever saw another step in my life!  But both days were good days - good exercise, beautiful scenery, and the opportunity to clear my head. 

Another day we went bowling, and much to Son's dismay, I beat him the first game. I had to revel in the win while I could, because the next two games were lost causes. But we had fun!  

We wrapped up our vacation with a day at Kings Island. Son and a friend took off on their own, so hubby and I had a leisurely day. I think we went on at least five roller coasters, which I used to love.  This old body doesn't like them so much anymore. But it was still fun! 

Even though I've been back to work for the past few days, we spent today at the State Fair - it was our last hurrah for vacation.  Daughter and her boyfriend went with us, but I think they were pretty bored with us. We don't get in a hurry there.  We rode the sky lift thing, which turns my stomach.  I'm always glad when we reach the other end!  We ate fair food, and listened to a band in the beer tent. Then we wandered through the barns. I could spend hours there, especially with the horses.

So now my vacation is over, but I'm relaxed and my mind is clear. I think I could get used to being on vacation! 

The Referee is on a much needed vacation this week.  Please check back next week!

Preserving My Sanity

Hubby and I spent yesterday at a local preserve, hiking trails and enjoying the views. Today, we ventured out to explore another preserve but when we arrived it was closed - the gate shut and locked. So we made our way back to the preserve we visited yesterday.

Hiking was good for me. I enjoyed the time away from work, and away from the stress of family issues. Daughter was at work or with her boyfriend, and Son chose to stay home and play video games. I'm grateful for cell phones when Hubby and I venture out without the kids, but it's still really good to get away.  The kids don't enjoy hiking as much as Hubby and I do.

The preserve we visited has lots of deer. Over two days, I bet we saw 30! We were thrilled to see a fawn on one trail yesterday, and today we saw a doe with three babies.  

We hiked most of the trails, enjoying views of the woods and the river. We saw birds and butterflies, squirrels and the tail of a raccoon.  Around one pond, we saw muskrats and a huge snapping turtle.

Most of the trails are wide paths that I feel comfortable on - I can see what I'm stepping on.  Today, though, we ended up on a primitive loop that had a section of tall grass. I wanted to run through that section, but Hubby was in front of me.  I was really glad to get through it without stepping on something I really did not want to see!

My body will make me pay for two days of hiking - my calves are sore already.  But my mind is clearer than it has been in a long time. Nature has a way of preserving my sanity!

Can't Win for Losing

Some days, I can't win for losing.

Today was not too bad for a Monday, until Son came home from soccer practice. It's almost 100 degrees out there and normally he doesn't want anything heavy to eat when he comes home. Tonight, the minute he walked in the door, he wanted to know what we cooked for dinner. Well, since it was just hubby and I, we made something Son doesn't like because we didn't think he would want dinner. Apparently we were wrong. Again.

Friday was similar. Son had a soccer game and Daughter was racing - in another town 45 minutes away. Hubby and I felt it was important to attend Son's soccer game over going racing. He's still in high school, and  we made it a point not to miss any of her high school events. Daughter thought we should split duty so one of us could be at each event, and a part of me agreed, but I struggled to make it happen. I told her repeatedly that I really wanted to be there - for both of them. I was worried about both of them getting hurt. But I was struggling with what was the right thing to do. She finally said she was going to let it go, that she was struggling with at least one of us not being there, but that she understood. I don't honestly know if she did or not, but she seemed to accept it. 

I'm still feeling guilty. Son's soccer game didn't get over until later than normal - too late for us to drive to her race. And by the time we got home, she had texted me to tell me she had hit the wall - hard. Believe me, those are not words any mother of a race car driver wants to hear! Guilt flooded through me. I wasn't there when I should have been. Even knowing I couldn't control what happened didn't make it any easier. She had both right side wheels up on the wall, and almost rolled the car coming out of turn four. Once I was sure she was alright, part of me was thinking "Thank God I wasn't there!" I would probably have embarrassed her by running out on the track to be sure she was ok. And then I felt more guilty for thinking that way.  I should have been there.

I need to be cloned, complete with built-in osmosis so whatever my clone feels/does/observes is transmitted to the real me. I don't want to miss anything my kids do. I thought it would get easier as they got older, but I was wrong. I still want to be there with them, to see them actively pursuing their interests, their dreams. I don't want to miss any of it, but sometimes it's just not possible to be two places at once.

Guilt is a terrible thing. I really can't win for losing.

Heat Waves

The last two weeks have been crazy busy, not to mention ridiculously hot!

We started July off with a 6:30 AM Sunday morning phone call from my father-in-law. He was on his golf cart, stranded in between two corn fields - out of gas. He couldn't reach his wife on the phone, so he called Hubby to come get him. I was worried that he'd take off walking and get really lost, especially since it takes us 40-45 minutes to get to his house. But Hubby talked until he had a pretty good idea where my father-in-law was, and then he went to rescue him. By the time he got there, my father-in-law had been able to reach his wife on her cell phone and she had taken him gas so he could make it home. Wasted trip.

That afternoon, we went back. The family was gathering to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday and a late Father's Day. We spent about 3 and a half hours there, and I was extremely disappointed that so few family members attempted to talk to my father-in-law. I know he isn't always aware of what's going on around him. I know he tells the same story over and over again, not realizing it. But he is still their father, and he's not going to be around forever. I spent more time talking with him than anyone else. All I could think about was how awful it must be for him, especially if he realizes what's going on around him. I was so mad, I had my own mini heatwave going on.

A good part of the last two weeks has been spent on soccer.  July is summer soccer month. Son has had practices and games smack in the middle of some of the hottest parts of the days! Of course, no part of the day has been really cool, so that's easy to do. Our team is off to a great start so far.  We lost only one player from last year, so our team is really strong and works well together - for the most part. We spent the last two days at a tournament, where we won 4 out of 5 games. We are really proud of the kids for playing hard and keeping focused on their goal: winning. They did it with class and good sportsmanship, which is more than I can say for some of the other teams, and their parents.

Daughter took about a month off from racing, but finished 10th on Friday night - her best finish yet! She plans to race again this Friday, but Son also has a soccer game, so I need to be cloned. I really don't want to miss either one of their events. Not being there scares me. Anybody want to stand in for me?

On the home front, I've been coping a little better with Son driving, and with letting Daughter grow up. It's not an easy thing for this Referee to do, but I'm learning...

Twenty-Two Years and Counting

This morning, Hubby greeted me with a dozen roses.  We’re celebrating 22 years of marriage.

Our married life got off to a rough start, but luckily we both have a decent sense of humor.  We spent our honeymoon in South Dakota - both of us love the west.  The first night we camped in the Badlands, I was sure we were going to die.  The winds howled.  The sides of our tent were billowing in on us, hitting us in the head as we sat there playing cards, waiting out the storm.  I was convinced the tent was either going to collapse, or be torn from its’ stakes and blown like a tumbleweed across the land, with us wrapped upside.

A few days later, we camped in the Black Hills.  Hubby wanted to visit the Reptile Gardens, me - not so much.  We made a deal:  I would go to the Reptile Gardens if he would go horseback riding.  So, we went to the Reptile Gardens.  They herded us into a two-story domed building, and into a little hallway that led into a center room open to the top.  In the hallway was a penguin exhibit.  Then we hit the doorway to the center room.  Just inside, propped against a large boulder, was a wooden sign.

WARNING Snake Crossing

I stopped, causing a pileup behind me. “I’m not going in there.” Hubby reassured me that there couldn’t be snakes loose. Reluctantly, I continued on the sidewalk weaving through the room.  Suddenly, I spied a snake hanging from a tree. I shoved a little old lady out of my way and ran from the room. Hubby strolled out a few minutes later, laughing. Laughing. He said I should have seen the look on the old lady’s face as I went by. Apparently she hadn’t realized there were snakes loose either but she wasted no time following me. I couldn’t get past the fact that I was scared to death, crying my eyes out, and he was laughing. This marriage was not off to a good start.

Our visit to Custer State Park didn’t go much better. We both like to hike, but a dot-to-dot trail with knee-high weeds was not my idea of a trail. It didn’t help that rangers had handed us pamphlets when we entered the park warning about rattlesnakes. Again, I was terrified. I couldn’t see what I was stepping on, but I wasn’t willing to be left behind either. I bawled and stomped behind him, hoping those snakes would be more afraid of me than I was of them. Strike two for Hubby.

Luckily, our married life improved after that. Twenty-two years and two kids later, we’re still happy. It’s the little things that count. We talk often. We enjoy doing things together, on our own, or with our own friends. He’s a Cub fan rooting against my Cardinals, but I’ll forgive him. Every once in awhile, another snake interrupts our lives and Hubby steps in to be my hero. I’d be lost without him.

Happy Anniversary, Hubby!

Family Takes Precedence in June

It’s hard to believe June is almost over.  I had so many plans for the month.  With five days left, I’ve actually done maybe one of the things on my list.  Sad, but true.

Family has taken precedence this month.  Hubby is still trying to decide what’s the best way for him to handle the situation with his dad.  We went to visit last week, hoping to get the initial awkwardness following the “missing” incident out of the way.  My father-in-law was his usual boisterous self, talking to us as if nothing had ever happened.  We were expecting him to become confrontational and want his truck keys back, since his wife told him that Hubby has the keys.  He doesn’t, but that’s what we suggested she tell him, hoping to take some of the pressure off her. But, father-in-law never asked, and we were relieved.  That’s not to say he won’t ask in the future.

When I asked how things were going, his wife said he’d run out of gas on the golf cart twice in the past week.  At least while the weather is decent, he can take off and drive around their small town in the golf cart.  That accomplishes two things: 1) it gets him out of the house, and 2) it gives her a little time to herself.  I don’t want to think what will happen when it gets too cold for him to be out on the golf cart.  But she isn’t satisfied with the time he’s gone now.  She told me that the boys (Hubby and his brother) are going to have to come once a week to give her a break.  That went over like a lead balloon.

It’s not that they boys don’t care about their father.  But his wife is not going to tell them when they will come to visit, just so she can run off for awhile.  She would get a lot farther if she asked them if they would come sit with him.  Hubby and his brother are two of five kids.  Why shouldn’t the other three do their part to help?  And she has two daughters of her own.  Shouldn’t they be willing to help their mother?  Hubby’s biggest fear is that if the kids start coming to watch their dad, she might take off and not come back.  I would hope she wouldn’t do that, but in light of some of the things I’ve learned this past week, I wouldn’t put it past her.  It’s sad.

On the other side of the family, there are other health issues.  My mom is still going to physical therapy for her shoulder and doing well, thankfully.  Her progress has slowed down some now that they are working on her strength, and not just range of motion.  Dad had a lump on his neck removed last week and had to go back today because of infection.  They said he had phlebitis.  And my youngest brother, who lives at home with mom and dad, has been to the ER twice in the last week for diverticulitis.  The third time, they admitted him to the hospital because he was dehydrated and his creatinine levelas were too high. Apparently, the diverticulitis aggravated his kidney problems.  Thankfully, after 2 days in the hospital, he was doing much better.

Ready for a break from all the family stresses, Hubby and I went to a local county park and walked several trails.  A couple hours away from it all did us both a lot of good!

Happy Father's Day!

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

I was born to a father.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending how you look at it.  I believe my parents divorced when I was about three.  I don’t remember a lot about my father from those early days.  I remember seeing him once a month when he picked my brother and sister and I up for weekend visits with my grandma.  I really have no idea if we saw him any more than that or not.  I do know that it broke my grandma’s heart that we didn’t have him in our lives more.

By the time I was six, I had a dad.  Mom remarried and her new husband adopted us.  I remember being at the courthouse, in a room with bookshelves and lots of books.  I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember the three of us discussing what we would call mom’s new husband.  I planned to call him dad.

Our father was still a small part of our lives.  Over the years, my siblings and I had interactions with him, but I don’t think any of us were satisfied with the relationship.  Then in 2006, he developed pancreatic cancer.  Within a few short months, he was gone.  I am thankful that his third wife let us know when time was short, and we were able to visit him.  The visit didn’t change any of the pent up emotions we all had, but I do believe he was grateful for the time we spent with him, in spite of everything.

Dad has been a much bigger part of our lives.  He raised us as if we were his own.  The three of us have different relationships with him.  The relationship, or non-relationship, we had with our father has colored our relationships with dad.

As we celebrate Father’s Day this year, I am thankful for my dad.  I haven’t always agreed with him - in fact, we’ve often not seen eye-to-eye.  But I know my dad accepts me for myself.  He loves me for who I am, and I reciprocate those feelings.

I see my kids having some of the same, and many different, conversations with my husband - their dad.  They’ve all had their moments, but I hope as they grow and mature they realize how important their dad has been to them.  There are some things a mom just can’t do!

To all the dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day!

Missing Persons

I've never known a real missing person until this week.  

My father-in-law is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. Sometimes he is very lucid, but much of the time he is very confused. He's been on medication but the doctor told them a few months ago that it was no longer helping. The medicine has side effects that are very demeaning to him, but his wife says she paid for the medicine and he's going to take it until it's gone. The family does not agree with her, but she doesn't seem to care. 

About 11 AM last Sunday, my father-in-law went for a drive. Around 4 PM he called his wife to say he was in another state, trying to find his way back to the road he knew would bring him home. About an hour later, his wife decided to let the rest of the family know. My brother-in-law called his father, and they talked briefly. My father-in-law was sure he could find his way home. That was the last anybody heard from him that day. 

I convinced my husband to call the police and see what could be done. Neither of us believed he was going to make it back that night. The police told us his wife would have to file a missing persons report and sign papers before they could do anything. It was almost 9 PM before she finally made the call. By then it was dark, and I'm sure my father-in-law was more confused than ever, wherever he was. 

Nobody got much sleep Sunday night. I knew my hubby was upset and frustrated, but without knowing where his father was, there was nothing we could do. His cell phone was either lost or turned off, and we had no idea where he was. I did a lot of praying that he would be alright.

Around 10:30 Monday morning, hubby called me at work. Someone had found his father in St. Louis, and realized that something wasn't right. My father-in-law had handed over his cell phone; the good samaritan had called his wife and then the police. At least my father-in-law couldn't hop back in his truck and drive somewhere else. 

It was a long four hours before we arrived at the police station. My father-in-law insisted he was not in St. Louis - he was either next to Montana...or maybe Vermont. After collecting his truck, we headed back home. We stopped briefly to get something to eat, and that's when we had a problem. 

My father-in-law wanted to drive, and he was furious that we wouldn't give him his keys. We argued for probably 20 minutes. He was amazingly lucid at that point - he knew he wasn't well, but insisted driving would help him get better. He got in my face when I tried to convince him to let us drive, but I knew he was just trying to intimidate me. I didn't give in. Finally, he got out of the truck and walked around to the passenger side. I told him thank you, and he blew up at me again. "Don't thank me. Don't thank me for anything. Not ever again." His face crumpled and he got in the passenger side of the truck. At that moment, I knew he knew he was losing control of his life.

A couple hours later we arrived back at his house. His wife didn't hug him or say she missed him or that she was worried - nothing. And as he walked up the sidewalk, he said "A man can't get lost even if wants to." Nobody but Hubby and I heard him and we later agreed - he left home on purpose. He meant to get lost.

The family is convinced his wife only wanted his money. I don't believe that, but her actions lately have sure made me wonder. She nags him constantly, talking about him - right in front of him - as if he isn't there. She argues with him about everything. The poor man is confused, and doesn't remember things clearly. Is he hurting anything when he tells stories that aren't quite true? No, but she has to correct him and make a big deal out of how wrong he is.  It's no wonder he wanted to get lost. 

I hope we can get through to him enough to let him know how much we care. Worrying about a missing person is very stressful, and I hope I never have to repeat that experience. It was not fun.

And I hope his wife was sufficiently worried to finally take his keys away so this doesn't happen again. The sad part is, the family is taking bets on how soon she'll give the keys back to him, and then this rollercoaster ride will start all over again.

Feeling Old

The Referee is feeling old this week.

My youngest turned 16 yesterday. I think we set a record at the DMV - we were in and out of there in 20 minutes! Son passed the spot-check test, which meant he didn't have to drive since he had already passed his driving test with his instructor during Behind-the-Wheel. It didn't take him long to come up with an excuse to take his first solo drive, but because of other plans already in place, Hubby and I shot that idea down. I know eventually - sooner probably - I'm going to have to hand over those keys and let him leave without us...

Things seem to be looking up for Daughter. She really likes her new job, and the new boyfriend, although I probably put them in the wrong order. She's improving every time she takes the race car out, and learning a lot from the other drivers. I'm thankful they are so willing to help her.  

But on the home front, things are not going so well. I feel like I'm running a hotel with maid service. Guess who gets to be the maid? Daughter only comes home when she wants something. Well, that's not entirely true - it's frustration talking. She sleeps here (except when she's rebelling), and she eats when she's hungry and doesn't have a better offer. She wants to come and go as she pleases, and because she is 20, we've kind of let her do it to some degree. But we have asked that she keep us posted on her whereabouts and when she plans to be home, so we don't worry. She's been pretty good about that most of the time.

The rebelling is what I'm struggling with, though. I don't want her to lie to me, but she also knows I don't like her staying over with her boyfriend. He lives at home, and I would hope that his mother would not approve either, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Granted, it doesn't happen often, but still. He only lives 5 miles from us! Daughter's take is that I have to learn to let go. As Hubby says, she's at that age. He's afraid if we push the issue too much, we'll force her to make bad decisions. Sometimes I really hate being the Referee...

Tomorrow is my mom's 72nd birthday. We went to visit her today. She is doing very well with her shoulder recovery. Her range of motion is really good, but she hasn't yet regained her strength. That will take time. Mom was upset that she hadn't received any birthday cards yet. She said with as many friends as she has, she thought she'd at least receive a couple cards. I know that sounds conceited, but she does have a lot of friends. And I've noticed as she's gotten older, she is more self-centered than she used to be. I reminded her that most people aren't as good as she is about mailing cards for every occasion. I also told her that many of those same friends would probably post birthday wishes for her on her Facebook page tomorrow. She admitted that some already had, and with some very nice comments, too. She should be thankful for the little things!

Which reminds me. . . I should be thankful for the little things as well. I may gripe about my family (who doesn't?) but I am very thankful to have them!

Memorial Day Reflections

My son will turn 16 this week, and of course, he can’t wait to get his drivers license. Mom is not so thrilled. I dread watching him leave the driveway for his first solo drive. Can I just delay it for a few more years?  

Just this morning, I read in the paper about a young man who apparently was driving too fast and wrecked his car. He died in surgery Saturday. I know his grandmother. My heart goes out to the family. I didn’t know the young man, but reading about his accident hit me hard. That could be my son in a matter of days. Teenagers all think they know how to drive, they think they have more control than they really do. They forget that a car can be a weapon. I can only hope and pray that we have taught my son how important it is to drive responsibly.

Three days after my son turns 16, my mom turns 72. She is doing well with her physical therapy, although she finds that some exercises can be really painful. She says she has been good, and even though she is allowed to drive now, she hasn’t been running all over town. I’m glad to hear it!  

Today is Memorial Day, and I want to join many others in thanking the veterans for all they have done for us.  Thank you for the sacrifices you made for America.  Thank you to the current soldiers who are also making sacrifices for America, for our freedom.  God bless you all!

The Thunder Rolls...

Storms rolled through yesterday, dumping some much needed rain in our area. Hubby's rain gauge collected 2.7 inches. I don't mind the rain, but thunder and lightning forced me to unplug the internet for the day.

We had plenty of other "thunder" throughout the week, too.  

My father-in-law's Alzheimer's is progressively getting worse. His wife reached her limit last week, after he jumped in the truck and disappeared for the third time in one week. Apparently they had argued and so he just left. She called Hubby, not knowing what to do. His father had told her he was going to get his job back. We decided we should probably call his last place of employment and warn them, not knowing if he would be belligerent if he actually showed up there. A little while later, my sister-in-law called Hubby. His father was at a different former workplace. The receptionist there realized something wasn't right, and when she asked to see his cell phone, my father-in-law handed it over - that's how she found us. She kept him there talking (which he loves to do) until Hubby could get there. Turns out that was the third time in a week that my father-in-law had been there. The first time, he managed to get clear to the roof where construction was being done. The second time, he got back into the plant. The third time, the receptionist waylaid him.  Now she has our numbers so if he shows up again, she'll call. Hubby and his brother talked to their dad, trying to get through to him that he can't just walk into places like that. They offered to follow him home (to another town) but he refused. He assured them he could find his way home. He did.  

But his wife now thinks it's time to explore nursing home options. She invited her daughter and my Hubby to visit a local nursing home with her. Hubby was convinced she was ready to be done with his dad. But she quickly realized how expensive it would be. She backtracked and said she was only exploring what is out there "just in case". They suggested she look into having someone come to their house a couple times a week, in order to give her a break from being my father-in-law's only caretaker. We think (we hope) she finally sees the wisdom in that. My father-in-law is very confused at times, but physically he's in good shape. He may be going downhill but he hasn't hit the bottom yet.  

Daughter raced again Friday night. She knocked more time off her qualifying round, made it to the feature, and got paid at the end of the night. On the way home from the track, one of her trailer tires blew and by the time she got home, she was riled up. Everything costs money she doesn't have. Well, yes, we've been trying to tell her that but she wouldn't listen. Hubby and I just bit our tongues - there's no point even trying to discuss things with her when she's mad at the world. 

Into every life a little rain must fall...

It's a good thing I bought new rain boots!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day Eve and here I sit at home with my hubby...and no kids.  I'm feeling kind of lost, in a way.

Daughter is out with her boyfriend at a stock car race (she's not racing tonight), and won't be home until the wee hours of the morning.  Thank God for cell phones - I will be able to go to bed at a decent hour, knowing she will text me when they leave the track so I don't have to worry until I know they are on the road.  The bad part of that is they're 2+ hours away!  

Son is staying over at a friends house.  I was unaware the family was having a cookout until I dropped him off, but I told him on the way there that I did not want he and his friend out cavorting - meaning I know his friend just got his drivers license and they don't need to be out driving!  Son assured me they wouldn't be going out.  Famous last words.  After dinner, Son texted me to ask if it was ok if they went to a movie.  My immediate reaction was NO!!!  He does not need to go to town with a new driver, on a Saturday night which just happens to be graduation weekend at the university.  No, no, no!!!  But then he tells me there is a group of them going, girls in one car (I should have known!) and he and his friend in the other.  This discussion could no longer be had via texting.  I called and voiced my displeasure with this plan, but I was between a rock and a hard place.  He's spending the night with his friend, and the friend and other friends/relatives wanted to go to the movies.  I WANT to say no, but that means I might as well go get him and bring him home because the others obviously have already been given permission by their parents to go.  I finally consented with the stipulation that he text me when they got to the movies, and again when they return home.  

At least he asked before he went out, and I am grateful for that.  He has been really good about letting me know what they are doing when he's been with other friends.  I really shouldn't complain.  But instead of enjoying a nice, quiet evening with my family, I'm watching the clock and battling frustration and worry.  This is not how I planned to prepare for my Mother's Day! 

I've learned that just because I have one adult child, it does not make loosening the parental strings on the second one any easier.  Can I make them be little again?  Yes, I know I yearned for them to grow up, to see the people they would become - and to be proud of who they are.  But it's times like these that I really want them to be little again.  At least back then I knew where they were, who they were with, and what they were doing.

God, please keep my children safe as they explore the world without me.  

And Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! 

Internet Withdrawals

My internet was down for four days this week. Four days!!!

Tuesday evening we had storms, and it was not unexpected for the internet to be down.  Normally, our internet provider has a recorded message anytime service is out, letting their customers know how long they expect it to be down. But Tuesday night, there was none. I left a voice message to let them know we were down.

Wednesday evening, I called back and left another message. Nobody had bothered to call me back and our internet was still down. I wanted to know when it would be back up. After all, I pay for this service. A service tech called me back, apologizing for overlooking my call on Tuesday night. I apologized for leaving a terse message. He said everybody else was back up and we should be too, so he would look into why we weren't and call me back. He never called back that night.

I am not the most patient person at times. So I called again Thursday morning. My tech was not yet there (he works the later shift), so I called again when I got home and the internet was still down. My tech had not been able to find anything wrong but he walked me through a few things on my end to see if we could find the problem. He finally decided my radio had gone bad. He said someone would be out our way on Friday, so he would have them stop by and replace our radio. I thanked him and apologized again for being terse. I admitted I was just frustrated not having my internet, and he said he understood.

Friday morning, Hubby called me at work to say the tech had called and he was on his way, but it didn't matter. Hubby had found my problem, and I felt I owed my tech guy another apology. Critters had chewed through the wires running from my radio to my house. The very critters that we love to watch - squirrels, rabbits, ground squirrels. We feed them every day, and this is how they repay me?  

Apparently the birdseed, corn, and sunflower seeds we fill the bird feeder with every day are not enough. The squirrels and ground squirrels are fat and sassy from eating there. Some food gets knocked to the ground as they stuff their fat little cheeks, and the bunnies do their best to clean it up. Why would they want to chew wires?

I'm ashamed to admit I was acting like my teenagers, distraught over being disconnected. I was not being a very good role model. But the internet is addictive, and I was having withdrawals. (Yes, I know I'm making excuses.)

I guess I'd better find some more tasty food for my critters, or else I need to slather my wires with something definitely NOT tasty!

Having All the Answers

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers.

Then I think how much weight that would put on my shoulders, and I'm glad I don't have all the answers.  Still, it would be nice to have the ones I need!

Daughter is at that stage in between a teenager and an adult.  She's fiercely independent but still looking for approval.  She doesn't want to be told what to do, but she wants someone else to make the tough decisions.  Several times I've had to remind her that I can't make certain decisions for her; I'm not going to be the one who was wrong.  Today, I repeated that again.  She laughed and said I could, because eventually she'd forgive me if I was wrong because I'm her mother and she has to live with me.  I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.  By the time I arrived home, though, she had made her decision - a decision I'm proud of her for making on her own.

Son passed his drivers test with his teacher, which means when he goes to get his license in another month, he won't have to drive unless he's one of the unlucky ones.  He still needs to drive another ten hours to have his 50 required hours completed.  I refuse to skimp on those hours, much to his annoyance.  After all, he is almost 16 and he KNOWS what he's doing.  I admit his driving is smoother with each passing day, but I'm not ready to hand him the keys and turn him loose.  On this one, I do have the answer:  he's not quite ready to be driving alone yet! 

My mom is doing really well with her physical therapy.  She's not allowed to drive yet.  On that subject, she is just like my son.  She's convinced she can do it, even though the doctor doesn't want her driving yet.  She can't lift her left arm very far.  She could rip out the stitches if she had to jerk the wheel for any reason.  If she did get in an accident, I don't know if insurance would cover it since she's not supposed to be driving.  And even the nurse told her "I wouldn't want to meet you on the road!"  But mom persists - she thinks she can do it.  She argues that I don't understand how difficult and frustrating it is for her not to be able to run to the store, or to drive herself to church.  She doesn't like relying on other people.  I reminded her that she can pay it back when she's well enough - she can drive someone else who needs a ride.  The nurse said I could take her to a parking lot - an empty parking lot - and let her drive around it, see how she does.  But she wants me to randomly say "Watch out!" and see how mom reacts, how she handles a sudden distraction.  Mom frowned when she told us that, and by the time we left therapy, she had agreed to wait another week before trying to drive.  Now, I don't put it past her to try to drive the few blocks to the grocery store before next week.  I only hope she is smart enough to take my brother with her, just in case.  I have the answer on this one, too:  no driving!  But mom is not a patient patient and doesn't like to be told what to do, especially when she thinks she can do more.

Sometimes having the answers might not be all I wish it could be. 

The Family Glue

Today we visited my father-in-law and his wife. We haven't seen them in awhile, even though they live less than an hour away. My father-in-law is 76 years old. He is a former Methodist minister. I've often thought I would never have made it through one of his sermons. It takes him forever to say what he's trying to say!

Today was  no exception, and yet it was. Somehow we got on the subject of flying. He started to tell me about the time he traveled to Israel with another minister. They flew from Chicago, to New York City, then to Paris, Rome, and finally Greece, where they took other transportation to Israel. He said they only experienced one problem during the whole trip: a man took offense at the clerical collar my father-in-law wore. He told me this story about four times - it was like being in my own Groundhog Day or Fifty First Dates movie.

You see, my father-in-law has Alzheimer's. We've known for some time that he was slipping. It's very hard to watch. His wife tells us how difficult he is to live with. But at least today was a good day. We had several good conversations over the course of a few hours, and the flying memory is the only one he revisited more than once.

I know how hard it can be. I watched my mother cope with her mother's Alzheimer's. I fear it is in her future, and mine, as well.

On the way home, Hubby and I were talking about what happens when our parents are gone. He has four siblings, as do I. We congregate at his mom's house for gatherings with his family. My family doesn't really congregate, except at Christmas, and we do that at my house.

So what happens when our parents are no longer here to be the glue holding our families together? Will we still congregate at holidays? Where will we congregate? Will everyone put forth the effort they do now to make it to these gatherings?

Hubby has three brothers and one sister.  I have two brothers and two sisters.  None of our siblings have room for all of their families to gather. We are the only ones with a house big enough for everyone to gather.  We are also more centrally located among all of us. I suspect that Hubby and I will have to become the glue if we want our respective families to stay connected.

We care about our siblings and their families, but holding everyone together will not be easy. We don't all live in the same area. Some of us have kids, some don't. But we are all busy with our own lives.

It won't be the same without our parents. Are we enough like them that we can pull this off? We may have to start our own traditions. We may have to work hard to keep our families connected.

I may be the oldest (some would say bossiest) sibling in my family, but hopefully that will give me the strength I need to become the glue that holds our families together. Family matters.

From the Passenger Seat

We went to visit my mother-in-law today - a belated Easter.  Son drove his first longer distance, and Daughter was convinced she was not going to survive the trip.  I kindly reminded her that Son probably felt the same way the first time he rode with her!  Of course, that didn't go over very well.  

Son's driving is improving, although he still thinks he knows all there is to know about driving.  From the passenger seat, he still takes turns - especially right-hand turns - a little too fast.  That may not be a problem on dry pavement, but under other conditions it could be.  He insists he's doing nothing wrong and not going that fast.  Dad and Daughter also shared their thoughts and Son did not appreciate any of our opinions.  Imagine that!

Before today, he hadn't driven more than about 45 minutes in one session.  Our trip today was almost 2 hours one way with one stop along the way.  Son said he was bored.  I had to laugh.  Bored!?  Good!  That means he won't be interested in driving far from home.  Not that I plan to let him go that far anytime soon anyway.  

What Son fails to understand is that until his dad and I are comfortable with his driving, he won't be going anywhere alone in our vehicles, even if he does have his license!  I keep trying to tell him he'd better pay attention, but of course, I'm just his mother.  I know nothing.

Ah, but there's one thing he's forgotten....

I control the car keys.