Twenty-Two Years and Counting

This morning, Hubby greeted me with a dozen roses.  We’re celebrating 22 years of marriage.

Our married life got off to a rough start, but luckily we both have a decent sense of humor.  We spent our honeymoon in South Dakota - both of us love the west.  The first night we camped in the Badlands, I was sure we were going to die.  The winds howled.  The sides of our tent were billowing in on us, hitting us in the head as we sat there playing cards, waiting out the storm.  I was convinced the tent was either going to collapse, or be torn from its’ stakes and blown like a tumbleweed across the land, with us wrapped upside.

A few days later, we camped in the Black Hills.  Hubby wanted to visit the Reptile Gardens, me - not so much.  We made a deal:  I would go to the Reptile Gardens if he would go horseback riding.  So, we went to the Reptile Gardens.  They herded us into a two-story domed building, and into a little hallway that led into a center room open to the top.  In the hallway was a penguin exhibit.  Then we hit the doorway to the center room.  Just inside, propped against a large boulder, was a wooden sign.

WARNING Snake Crossing

I stopped, causing a pileup behind me. “I’m not going in there.” Hubby reassured me that there couldn’t be snakes loose. Reluctantly, I continued on the sidewalk weaving through the room.  Suddenly, I spied a snake hanging from a tree. I shoved a little old lady out of my way and ran from the room. Hubby strolled out a few minutes later, laughing. Laughing. He said I should have seen the look on the old lady’s face as I went by. Apparently she hadn’t realized there were snakes loose either but she wasted no time following me. I couldn’t get past the fact that I was scared to death, crying my eyes out, and he was laughing. This marriage was not off to a good start.

Our visit to Custer State Park didn’t go much better. We both like to hike, but a dot-to-dot trail with knee-high weeds was not my idea of a trail. It didn’t help that rangers had handed us pamphlets when we entered the park warning about rattlesnakes. Again, I was terrified. I couldn’t see what I was stepping on, but I wasn’t willing to be left behind either. I bawled and stomped behind him, hoping those snakes would be more afraid of me than I was of them. Strike two for Hubby.

Luckily, our married life improved after that. Twenty-two years and two kids later, we’re still happy. It’s the little things that count. We talk often. We enjoy doing things together, on our own, or with our own friends. He’s a Cub fan rooting against my Cardinals, but I’ll forgive him. Every once in awhile, another snake interrupts our lives and Hubby steps in to be my hero. I’d be lost without him.

Happy Anniversary, Hubby!

Family Takes Precedence in June

It’s hard to believe June is almost over.  I had so many plans for the month.  With five days left, I’ve actually done maybe one of the things on my list.  Sad, but true.

Family has taken precedence this month.  Hubby is still trying to decide what’s the best way for him to handle the situation with his dad.  We went to visit last week, hoping to get the initial awkwardness following the “missing” incident out of the way.  My father-in-law was his usual boisterous self, talking to us as if nothing had ever happened.  We were expecting him to become confrontational and want his truck keys back, since his wife told him that Hubby has the keys.  He doesn’t, but that’s what we suggested she tell him, hoping to take some of the pressure off her. But, father-in-law never asked, and we were relieved.  That’s not to say he won’t ask in the future.

When I asked how things were going, his wife said he’d run out of gas on the golf cart twice in the past week.  At least while the weather is decent, he can take off and drive around their small town in the golf cart.  That accomplishes two things: 1) it gets him out of the house, and 2) it gives her a little time to herself.  I don’t want to think what will happen when it gets too cold for him to be out on the golf cart.  But she isn’t satisfied with the time he’s gone now.  She told me that the boys (Hubby and his brother) are going to have to come once a week to give her a break.  That went over like a lead balloon.

It’s not that they boys don’t care about their father.  But his wife is not going to tell them when they will come to visit, just so she can run off for awhile.  She would get a lot farther if she asked them if they would come sit with him.  Hubby and his brother are two of five kids.  Why shouldn’t the other three do their part to help?  And she has two daughters of her own.  Shouldn’t they be willing to help their mother?  Hubby’s biggest fear is that if the kids start coming to watch their dad, she might take off and not come back.  I would hope she wouldn’t do that, but in light of some of the things I’ve learned this past week, I wouldn’t put it past her.  It’s sad.

On the other side of the family, there are other health issues.  My mom is still going to physical therapy for her shoulder and doing well, thankfully.  Her progress has slowed down some now that they are working on her strength, and not just range of motion.  Dad had a lump on his neck removed last week and had to go back today because of infection.  They said he had phlebitis.  And my youngest brother, who lives at home with mom and dad, has been to the ER twice in the last week for diverticulitis.  The third time, they admitted him to the hospital because he was dehydrated and his creatinine levelas were too high. Apparently, the diverticulitis aggravated his kidney problems.  Thankfully, after 2 days in the hospital, he was doing much better.

Ready for a break from all the family stresses, Hubby and I went to a local county park and walked several trails.  A couple hours away from it all did us both a lot of good!

Happy Father's Day!

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

I was born to a father.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending how you look at it.  I believe my parents divorced when I was about three.  I don’t remember a lot about my father from those early days.  I remember seeing him once a month when he picked my brother and sister and I up for weekend visits with my grandma.  I really have no idea if we saw him any more than that or not.  I do know that it broke my grandma’s heart that we didn’t have him in our lives more.

By the time I was six, I had a dad.  Mom remarried and her new husband adopted us.  I remember being at the courthouse, in a room with bookshelves and lots of books.  I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember the three of us discussing what we would call mom’s new husband.  I planned to call him dad.

Our father was still a small part of our lives.  Over the years, my siblings and I had interactions with him, but I don’t think any of us were satisfied with the relationship.  Then in 2006, he developed pancreatic cancer.  Within a few short months, he was gone.  I am thankful that his third wife let us know when time was short, and we were able to visit him.  The visit didn’t change any of the pent up emotions we all had, but I do believe he was grateful for the time we spent with him, in spite of everything.

Dad has been a much bigger part of our lives.  He raised us as if we were his own.  The three of us have different relationships with him.  The relationship, or non-relationship, we had with our father has colored our relationships with dad.

As we celebrate Father’s Day this year, I am thankful for my dad.  I haven’t always agreed with him - in fact, we’ve often not seen eye-to-eye.  But I know my dad accepts me for myself.  He loves me for who I am, and I reciprocate those feelings.

I see my kids having some of the same, and many different, conversations with my husband - their dad.  They’ve all had their moments, but I hope as they grow and mature they realize how important their dad has been to them.  There are some things a mom just can’t do!

To all the dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day!

Missing Persons

I've never known a real missing person until this week.  

My father-in-law is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. Sometimes he is very lucid, but much of the time he is very confused. He's been on medication but the doctor told them a few months ago that it was no longer helping. The medicine has side effects that are very demeaning to him, but his wife says she paid for the medicine and he's going to take it until it's gone. The family does not agree with her, but she doesn't seem to care. 

About 11 AM last Sunday, my father-in-law went for a drive. Around 4 PM he called his wife to say he was in another state, trying to find his way back to the road he knew would bring him home. About an hour later, his wife decided to let the rest of the family know. My brother-in-law called his father, and they talked briefly. My father-in-law was sure he could find his way home. That was the last anybody heard from him that day. 

I convinced my husband to call the police and see what could be done. Neither of us believed he was going to make it back that night. The police told us his wife would have to file a missing persons report and sign papers before they could do anything. It was almost 9 PM before she finally made the call. By then it was dark, and I'm sure my father-in-law was more confused than ever, wherever he was. 

Nobody got much sleep Sunday night. I knew my hubby was upset and frustrated, but without knowing where his father was, there was nothing we could do. His cell phone was either lost or turned off, and we had no idea where he was. I did a lot of praying that he would be alright.

Around 10:30 Monday morning, hubby called me at work. Someone had found his father in St. Louis, and realized that something wasn't right. My father-in-law had handed over his cell phone; the good samaritan had called his wife and then the police. At least my father-in-law couldn't hop back in his truck and drive somewhere else. 

It was a long four hours before we arrived at the police station. My father-in-law insisted he was not in St. Louis - he was either next to Montana...or maybe Vermont. After collecting his truck, we headed back home. We stopped briefly to get something to eat, and that's when we had a problem. 

My father-in-law wanted to drive, and he was furious that we wouldn't give him his keys. We argued for probably 20 minutes. He was amazingly lucid at that point - he knew he wasn't well, but insisted driving would help him get better. He got in my face when I tried to convince him to let us drive, but I knew he was just trying to intimidate me. I didn't give in. Finally, he got out of the truck and walked around to the passenger side. I told him thank you, and he blew up at me again. "Don't thank me. Don't thank me for anything. Not ever again." His face crumpled and he got in the passenger side of the truck. At that moment, I knew he knew he was losing control of his life.

A couple hours later we arrived back at his house. His wife didn't hug him or say she missed him or that she was worried - nothing. And as he walked up the sidewalk, he said "A man can't get lost even if wants to." Nobody but Hubby and I heard him and we later agreed - he left home on purpose. He meant to get lost.

The family is convinced his wife only wanted his money. I don't believe that, but her actions lately have sure made me wonder. She nags him constantly, talking about him - right in front of him - as if he isn't there. She argues with him about everything. The poor man is confused, and doesn't remember things clearly. Is he hurting anything when he tells stories that aren't quite true? No, but she has to correct him and make a big deal out of how wrong he is.  It's no wonder he wanted to get lost. 

I hope we can get through to him enough to let him know how much we care. Worrying about a missing person is very stressful, and I hope I never have to repeat that experience. It was not fun.

And I hope his wife was sufficiently worried to finally take his keys away so this doesn't happen again. The sad part is, the family is taking bets on how soon she'll give the keys back to him, and then this rollercoaster ride will start all over again.

Feeling Old

The Referee is feeling old this week.

My youngest turned 16 yesterday. I think we set a record at the DMV - we were in and out of there in 20 minutes! Son passed the spot-check test, which meant he didn't have to drive since he had already passed his driving test with his instructor during Behind-the-Wheel. It didn't take him long to come up with an excuse to take his first solo drive, but because of other plans already in place, Hubby and I shot that idea down. I know eventually - sooner probably - I'm going to have to hand over those keys and let him leave without us...

Things seem to be looking up for Daughter. She really likes her new job, and the new boyfriend, although I probably put them in the wrong order. She's improving every time she takes the race car out, and learning a lot from the other drivers. I'm thankful they are so willing to help her.  

But on the home front, things are not going so well. I feel like I'm running a hotel with maid service. Guess who gets to be the maid? Daughter only comes home when she wants something. Well, that's not entirely true - it's frustration talking. She sleeps here (except when she's rebelling), and she eats when she's hungry and doesn't have a better offer. She wants to come and go as she pleases, and because she is 20, we've kind of let her do it to some degree. But we have asked that she keep us posted on her whereabouts and when she plans to be home, so we don't worry. She's been pretty good about that most of the time.

The rebelling is what I'm struggling with, though. I don't want her to lie to me, but she also knows I don't like her staying over with her boyfriend. He lives at home, and I would hope that his mother would not approve either, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Granted, it doesn't happen often, but still. He only lives 5 miles from us! Daughter's take is that I have to learn to let go. As Hubby says, she's at that age. He's afraid if we push the issue too much, we'll force her to make bad decisions. Sometimes I really hate being the Referee...

Tomorrow is my mom's 72nd birthday. We went to visit her today. She is doing very well with her shoulder recovery. Her range of motion is really good, but she hasn't yet regained her strength. That will take time. Mom was upset that she hadn't received any birthday cards yet. She said with as many friends as she has, she thought she'd at least receive a couple cards. I know that sounds conceited, but she does have a lot of friends. And I've noticed as she's gotten older, she is more self-centered than she used to be. I reminded her that most people aren't as good as she is about mailing cards for every occasion. I also told her that many of those same friends would probably post birthday wishes for her on her Facebook page tomorrow. She admitted that some already had, and with some very nice comments, too. She should be thankful for the little things!

Which reminds me. . . I should be thankful for the little things as well. I may gripe about my family (who doesn't?) but I am very thankful to have them!