Praying for Improvements

Once again, I find myself wishing I could fix things for people I care about.  I still end up feeling frustrated by my inability to do so.

Daughter is finding that being on your own is not all fun and games.  Responsibilities weigh on your shoulders, and you have to make some tough decisions.  Health issues are not helping matters - how do you fight everything else when you don’t feel well?  I do what I can to help.  I listen to her vent and try to offer helpful suggestions when they seem appropriate.  Other times, I just listen because I know she doesn’t want my input.  It’s hard, though, because the mother in me wants to take over and solve the problems. Not that I have all the answers...I don’t.

She and her boyfriend don’t see eye-to-eye on several things. She tells me about some of their arguments, but I have tried hard to stay out of their relationship.  I encourage her when she needs encouragement, but I also point out the other side for her to consider when she’s being closed-minded.  I can’t tell her what to do but hopefully I can help her see options so she can make the right decisions for her.  Money is, not surprisingly, one of their big issues.  Give and take in a relationship is another.  With different upbringings, they are struggling to find some common ground.  I continue to pray for them to find it.

I checked in with the parental units this week.  Mom is having a lot of pain and isn’t sure what is causing it.  Possibly sciatica, but her doctor has ordered an MRI for this week to check things out. I know her pain must be bad because she usually has a pretty high pain tolerance.  My brother who lives with them had another setback.  He was about to be released to return to work when his other foot began having problems.  I’m told that it was very swollen and he couldn’t put any weight on it.  The doctor believes he has a stress fracture, possibly from overcompensating with his first foot problems.  So now he’s off work until early February.  He’s been off since September so his health issues are really creating problems for him.  I suspect they are also creating headaches for my parents.

Yesterday we visited my father-in-law again.  The first hour and a half went fairly well.  He had just turned on his computer when we arrived.  He proceeded to read to us from the journal he uses on his computer.  I believe the file he opens and reads from is probably a year or two old, but he doesn’t seem to know the difference.  We would add comments or ask him questions, but then he would go back to reading.  Finally, he started asking us about his wife - if we had seen her there.  He believes she is renting the place for them, but he also believes she is cheating on him because she doesn’t spend much time with him.  That upsets him because he says he can’t prove it.  We tried to assure him that she cares about him and that we don’t think she is having an affair, but he was having none of it.  We tried distracting him and getting him onto another subject but he was stuck on his wife.  He became agitated and tearful, and that was very hard to take.  When it was time for us to leave, he walked with us toward the door.  We told him that his kids love him and that we will be back, but not for several days.  Then he told my hubby that he might as well go hang himself. That was upsetting to hear.  Hubby told him not to think that way, and to remember that his kids love him, and that we’ll be back to see him.  As we entered the passcode to leave and went through the door, he made a beeline to follow us and Hubby had to force the door shut so his dad could not get out with us.  Watching his face through the small window on the door as we did that was heartbreaking. We felt terrible.  The nurse did get his attention right away, and he turned back toward his room.  It’s depressing to me to see how depressed he is, and it is very noticeable that being in the nursing home has taken a toll on him.  When he was at home, he had spunk. He had life in him.  Now, he seems very resigned and unhappy.  You can see it in his eyes.  It’s very upsetting to me, and once again, I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is not a good feeling. I will be praying for improvements.

Feeling Helpless as a Parent

I really hate when my kids are hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help them.  Oh, I know it’s all part of growing up, but sometimes I think it’s harder to watch them learn to deal with life than it was to be the one going through it.  If only I could fix things.  If only I could shield them from the things that make them unhappy. But I also realize life experiences make them who they are.  And so I watch and pray for God to give them strength and guide them to make good decisions.

Daughter is in her first SERIOUS relationship.  She’s been in other relationships I know she thought were serious but they weren’t, not compared to this one.  I believe she and her boyfriend really do love each other, but they haven’t yet figured out how to compromise and not lose themselves in the process.  They are both stubborn, opinionated individuals.  I love that he is strong enough to stand up to her – she needs someone not afraid to stand up to her.  I love that she is learning when to stand her ground and when it’s not so important.  But I hate that they are hurting each other in the process.

I’ve tried to share with her that no marriage is perfect.  Some couples argue more than others.  But the bottom line is they need to respect each other, and communicate.  From what she’s told me, they both feel the other wants everything their way.  I know she’s determined and stubborn, but if she feels that strongly about something, I don’t think she should give in.  They have to learn the give and take that sustains relationships.  They need to do things together but they also need time apart.

His upbringing was very different from hers.  I suspect that is part of the problem.  It doesn’t make either of them any better than the other, but it’s painful for them to find a compromise that works for both of them.  Holidays are a good example.  When you join two families, you have to make an effort to be a part of both.  That may mean traveling to two different places in one day, if it’s doable.  It may mean Thanksgiving at his house and Christmas at mine this year, with the understanding that next year it will be reversed.  It’s hard as a parent not to try to influence how they choose, but you have to do it.

She’s only 21 and she has her whole life before her.  I just want her to be happy.  If he makes her happy, then that’s great.  But if he doesn’t, if she spends more time unhappy than she is happy, then maybe it’s time for her to move on.  I know it’s not an easy decision, but I pray that God will give her the courage, the strength to do what is best for her.

I can’t tell her what that is; I can only be here for her if she needs me.  I can only encourage her to think things through, to make a list of pros and cons, to think about the consequences of either decision and be sure she is ready to face them.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Feeling My Age

Age is a state of mind.  You're only as old as you feel.  Mind over matter.

My mind is feeling as old as my body these days, and my matter definitely outweighs my mind.  I guess my midlife crisis is in full swing. 

Coping with aging parents really takes a toll.  Mentally, I find myself exhausted from trying to figure out how to cope with their idiosyncracies, which seem much more prevalent than before.  Physically, this old body just doesn't handle being on the go so much.  You would think with all this stuff wearing me out, I would be sleeping like a log.  Not so.  I spend many nights laying in bed, trying to go back to sleep. I should probably just get up and do something so I can be tired again. 

We went to visit my father-in-law at the nursing home, his new home away from home.  Pardon me, but the place is a dump. It was very discouraging to me, and I only have to visit.  I can only imagine how he must feel, living in the place.  He calls my husband several times a week, practically begging him to come take him home.  Unfortunately, we have to keep telling him that only his wife can take him out of there.  From his recent reactions, we think he's starting to understand that.

His room is very small.  There are two twin beds with recliners shoved up against each of them.  There  are two small dressers, one of each person.  There is one narrow closet for them to share.  His roommate is older and drools constantly - I don't think he is able to talk.  They share a bathroom with another room that mirrors theirs. My mother-in-law has apparently tried to make it homey for him.  He has a couple of quilts from home on the bed, and there are family pictures on his wall. But that's about it.  

We visited with him for about two hours.  He was very weepy at first, but we got him talking about traveling with his motorcycle and then he was happy for awhile.  But then he wanted to go ride his motorcycle.  We tried to distract him with talk of how cold it was outside, but he put on a sweatshirt that wasn't his, and insisted he would be warm enough. We could tell he was starting to get agitated. We convinced him that they wouldn't let him out, again explaining that only his wife can take him out.  He seemed to accept that, but he did ask me to please go to his house and bring back his helmet for him. How could I do anything but agree, even if it wasn't true? 

We hate that we can't figure out a way to keep him entertained.  The other Alzheimer's patients have progressed so much farther than he has, and he has nobody to talk with.  One day, he was convinced the nurses were holding all of them against their will, and he tried to roust everyone to make a break for it.  Another day, he waited until the nurses were busy, then set off the alarm by opening a door, and promptly turned and ran to another door to go out.  Luckily, he stepped out but came right back in, laughing and thinking he had pulled a fast one on the nurses.  Most of them do not think that's funny.

It's exhausting to spend two hours with him, and I find that very sad.

My parents ask about my father-in-law, and I am thankful for their concern and their understanding.  But they are having their own health issues, and I worry about them too.  None of us are getting any younger.  I try to remind myself that I should enjoy every moment I have with them, as we never know when it might be our last.  

Patience has never been my best virtue, but life is a good teacher, and I'm learning it as I go.

Happy New Year!

As I toasted 2013 (half asleep in my chair), I couldn’t help but hope for improvements in family health.  2012 was filled with health problems for several members.  Part of that is age, but if wine is supposed to improve with age, why can’t people?

Even though the world didn’t end on December 21 as many had predicted, hubby has dubbed it the end of his father’s world.  That was the day his wife disposed of his life by putting him in a nursing home.  I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it appears to other family members.  Every day, he has escaped the nursing home.  His Alzheimer’s has him confused enough that he doesn’t know exactly where he is or why he’s there, but he does know he is not at home.  And he wants to go home.  He calls someone at least once a day, asking them to come get him.  Today, it was our turn.  He said he would really appreciate it if we could come get him because there is snow on the ground and he didn’t think he had warm enough clothes to walk, but if he had to, he would. I encouraged him not to walk because of the cold, but I also suggested he call his wife because she is the only one they will let him leave with.  He talked to me for a few minutes, repeating himself, but it was clear he wanted to go home.  I felt terrible, but I can’t take him out of the nursing home.

My dad, bless his heart, asks several times a week how my father-in-law is doing. He worries that being on the verge of 70 puts him at risk for developing Alzheimer’s.  He doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone.  But he also worries about people in general.  He’s a deep thinker, and he reads people pretty well.  I hope he doesn’t develop Alzheimer’s but he is aging, and I recognize that there will be challenges in taking care of him when the time comes.  He’s a stubborn guy.  Meanwhile, my mom has faced numerous health issues of her own.  Shoulder surgery earlier in the year, and then bronchitis and sinus problems now that winter has arrived.  I’ve also noticed her tendency toward selfishness (every conversation somehow ends up being about her) and physically how shaky she is. The selfishness is hard to swallow, but I do - I really don’t think she realizes she is doing it. The shakiness is worrisome.  I remind myself that she isn’t getting any younger, either, and that I should enjoy the times I have with both of them.  I am thankful to have them both.

December 21 was also a day to celebrate - my daughter (my oldest child) turned 21!  Hard to believe it’s been that long since we brought her into the world on a cold December day. She’s brought so much to our lives - happiness, frustration, joy, frustration, pride...did I mention frustration?  Raising her was a challenge. In trying to bring her up to think for herself, I think I created a monster. Not only did she think for herself, she challenged every thing I said. I coped with that the only way I knew how - by being stubborn and not letting her win.  Looking back, there were some battles I shouldn’t have fought, some things I shouldn’t have said or done. But everything we went through made her who she is today. Now that she’s moved out on her own, finding her own way, she’s beginning to understand why I am how I am.  So the predicted end of the world was actually the beginning of adulthood for her.  I gave her card I couldn’t resist. I don’t remember the exact words, but it said something to the effect of “As you stand poised on the brink of adulthood, I offer these words of advice”  - and when you opened the card, it said in capital letters “RUN!  RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!”  Very appropriate. She’s told me many times she doesn’t like being an adult, and yet she craves the freedom of being an adult.  I’m very proud of her, and a lot less frustrated now that she’s not living under my roof. :)

At 16, Son is still under our roof.  He’s aloof and impatient with us much of the time.  He’d rather be on the video games or computer than watching TV with us, or participating in whatever we have going on.  Unless we’re having a rare night out for dinner, he stays in the other room where his electronics reside.  We often hear him yelling at the TV and conversing through his headphones with other kids playing video games.  It’s so tempting to record him and play it back later - I don’t think he has any idea how loud and vocal he is!

As we kick off the year, though, I wouldn’t trade any of my family.  They are MY family - tempers, quirkiness, health issues, and all.  But I can still hope for improvements...

I wish you a Happy New Year!