Today was not too bad for a Monday, until Son came home from soccer practice. It's almost 100 degrees out there and normally he doesn't want anything heavy to eat when he comes home. Tonight, the minute he walked in the door, he wanted to know what we cooked for dinner. Well, since it was just hubby and I, we made something Son doesn't like because we didn't think he would want dinner. Apparently we were wrong. Again.
Friday was similar. Son had a soccer game and Daughter was racing - in another town 45 minutes away. Hubby and I felt it was important to attend Son's soccer game over going racing. He's still in high school, and we made it a point not to miss any of her high school events. Daughter thought we should split duty so one of us could be at each event, and a part of me agreed, but I struggled to make it happen. I told her repeatedly that I really wanted to be there - for both of them. I was worried about both of them getting hurt. But I was struggling with what was the right thing to do. She finally said she was going to let it go, that she was struggling with at least one of us not being there, but that she understood. I don't honestly know if she did or not, but she seemed to accept it.
I'm still feeling guilty. Son's soccer game didn't get over until later than normal - too late for us to drive to her race. And by the time we got home, she had texted me to tell me she had hit the wall - hard. Believe me, those are not words any mother of a race car driver wants to hear! Guilt flooded through me. I wasn't there when I should have been. Even knowing I couldn't control what happened didn't make it any easier. She had both right side wheels up on the wall, and almost rolled the car coming out of turn four. Once I was sure she was alright, part of me was thinking "Thank God I wasn't there!" I would probably have embarrassed her by running out on the track to be sure she was ok. And then I felt more guilty for thinking that way. I should have been there.
I need to be cloned, complete with built-in osmosis so whatever my clone feels/does/observes is transmitted to the real me. I don't want to miss anything my kids do. I thought it would get easier as they got older, but I was wrong. I still want to be there with them, to see them actively pursuing their interests, their dreams. I don't want to miss any of it, but sometimes it's just not possible to be two places at once.
Guilt is a terrible thing. I really can't win for losing.
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