Father-in-Law Moved to Nursing Home

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! We were blessed to host family at our house - lots of good conversation and good food!

The days leading up to Christmas were not as enjoyable as they could have been. After my mother-in-law's panic a week ago, someone from the nursing home (which is over an hour away) came to evaluate my father-in-law. On Thursday, she notified my hubby that the nursing home would be coming to get his dad on Friday. She claimed they had advised her not to come visit for a few days, until they could get him settled.  We later found out my mother-in-law had apparently told my father-in-law that they (the nursing home people) were taking him to have Christmas with his kids. He was excited and went along, but once they arrived at the nursing home, he was confused. The nursing home called my sister-in-law, who lives there, to come and calm him down. He did not understand why he wasn't going home with her.

Over the weekend, she received numerous other calls from the nursing home. Her dad was extremely upset, and she finally broke down and told him that 1) the nursing home was his new home because his wife no longer wanted him at his home, and 2) nobody could get him out of the nursing home except his wife. Harsh, yes, but true. My sister-in-law told the nursing home they needed to put a bracelet on him because he was a flight risk. They didn't really believe her but on Saturday evening, he walked out of the nursing home and managed to get about a half mile away before someone found him. The nursing home staff were also scared that he would become violent - thanks to whatever my mother-in-law had told them. He gets frustrated, is vocal and stubborn, but he is not violent. My sister-in-law also learned that the nursing home did not tell my mother-in-law not to come, rather they told her she SHOULD come and help him get settled. We have come to the conclusion that, sadly, my mother-in-law is more interested in having him out of her hair than she is worried about how she can help him.

We learned she could have waited until after Christmas to have him moved to the nursing home. She also has the option of moving him closer to home if there is an opening, but she indicated she probably would not do that. He's over an hour away from home, and she was quite blunt with everyone that she will not be driving to see him during the winter. The more she says, the more we are convinced she is basically abandoning him - she no longer wants to deal with him. Very sad, but true.

My hubby and his siblings are struggling with this situation. Honestly, so am I. I would like to share a few choice words with my mother-in-law, but it's not my place. I pray that my father-in-law understands that the nursing home IS his new home, and that he will adjust quickly. The sad part is that he is not far enough gone with his Alzheimer's to be kept in the nursing home, and I fear they will need to sedate him to keep him from leaving and hurting himself. I've regretfully come to the conclusion that my mother-in-law is a very selfish woman. I hope that 2013 brings happier days for my father-in-law and my hubby and his siblings.

Otherwise, we were thankful to have good weather, which allowed family to travel where they needed to go. A few family members were not feeling 100% but we hope they feel better soon.

Here's to good health, happiness and better days ahead for 2013!

Birthdays and Tag-teaming Family

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my upcoming milestone birthday and how I didn't feel old.  Then what did I promptly do?  I forgot about things I shouldn't have, like this blog. NOW I feel old. It sure didn't take long.  But life is always busy at this time of year, so maybe I'll just use that as an excuse.

I had a wonderful birthday in spite of my misgivings.  My coworkers planned a surprise party for me - which I really would have been fine without! - but I am grateful for them thinking about me. We had cake and ice cream, and they even sang to me. I was embarrassed, but then, I don't like being the center of attention. Not even on my birthday!  Hubby and son took me out to dinner and I threatened them with bodily harm if they embarrassed me at the restaurant.  Daughter and her boyfriend joined us, and I warned them ahead of time, too. NO EMBARRASSING ME!  Luckily, everyone behaved and we had a nice, enjoyable dinner. I'm thankful for family and good friends to share my days with - and not just my milestone days!

Since then, we've been super busy decorating and shopping for Christmas. Today we finished all the big stuff, so now I only have small stuff to pick up. We wrapped the extended family gifts and they are under the tree.  Immediate family gifts are still hidden in various places until we can sufficiently mask them well enough to wrap them while others are nearby. Always a challenge but we'll get there.  With Daughter moved out, I took over her bedroom as my stash room. I've been keeping the door shut, and hopefully my dear hubby is behaving himself during the day and not sneaking around to see what I've come home with. I haven't left anything out in plain sight, but still.

Today we also visited my father-in-law. He was outside when we got there, packing the truck to go north. He wants to go back to his parents house. His parents are both gone, but he doesn't realize that. We managed to get him in the house and distracted him with other discussions. Hubby and I have gotten good at tag-teaming. One of us keeps my father-in-law busy while the other pumps my mother-in-law for information. I know that sounds bad, but it's kind of what we do. As I've said before, we don't know if what she's telling us is the truth or not, so we ask questions and hopefully what we put together from various conversations is accurate. 

But today was not a good day there. My mother-in-law was on the phone with my sister-in-law, who had called unwittingly in the middle of the argument that my father-in-law's parents are gone. When she talked to her dad, and agreed with his wife, my father-in-law was furious and started to hang up on her. My mother-in-law grabbed the phone and talked with my sister-in-law, and the end result of that conversation was that my mother-in-law threatened to pack up and leave because she says she can't take it anymore. Hubby and I are used to hearing it - she says it often - but apparently my sister-in-law thought she was dead serious. She made some calls and found out that the nursing home near her (over an hour away from where we live) has an opening, and that they can take her dad right away, if they deem him suitably ready. Of course, we couldn't say anything to let my sister-in-law know that the threat was not necessarily an immediate threat - not with my mother-in-law right there.

My father-in-law is not ready to be in a nursing home. He has enough of his wits about him that he WILL know what is going on, and whomever he considers responsible for putting him there will incur his wrath. It will not be pretty. I personally don't think he's that far gone, but I do understand how difficult it must be to live with him day in and day out, fighting to keep him safe and also trying to keep him involved in things. The adult day care helps some, but my mother-in-law says the weekends are the worst. I don't know if they are really that much worse, or if it's just because she has to worry about him 24 hours a day on the weekends. Either way, I do feel sorry for her but she's still not doing anything to help herself. That makes it difficult, because we feel that she just wants him incarcerated so she can do whatever she wants. At what point did she stop considering HIM in all this? 

I really try hard not to judge. I'm not in her shoes. I don't have to cope with him on a daily basis. I hope we never have to face that. I know it's hard. So I pray that whatever is best for him is what happens.

I also pray for all the families devastated by the shootings in Connecticut yesterday.  My heart goes out to them. I can not imagine what they are going through. Hug your kids, and the rest of your family and be sure they know you love them.  And on that note, I want to let you - my readers - know how much I appreciate YOU! 

I Don't Feel Old

It's hard to believe it's December already.  Where did 2012 go?

My next milestone birthday looms this week. I haven't decided how I feel about it. Grateful to be alive, for sure! Someone I work with asked me last week if this one would bother me. She will be experiencing the same milestone birthday two days after mine, and she was not looking forward to it. I told her that I was trying not to think too much about it. I don't feel old, so I don't want to start thinking old. You're only as old as you feel, right?

I checked in with my parents this week, as I usually do. It's frustrating to try talking to them on the phone while they are having a conversation with someone else in the same room with them. It happens more often with mom. I guess she's multitasking. But sometimes it leaves me wondering if she heard anything I said to her. Even when I visit, she seems lost in her own world. When my kids were little, she adored them. As they grew up, however, she seemed to lose interest in them. I don't mean that she doesn't care about them - she does. But instead of being interested in what they are doing, she still wants to talk about her. This is frustrating to me, but I don't think she even realizes she's doing it.

I was talking with others about older people and their idiosyncracies. Women, especially, seem to become more self-centered as they age. Is it because many of them are widowed and alone, with nobody to talk to? For those who are still married, have they and their husbands drifted so far apart that they don't talk? We all like to talk about ourselves, to some degree, but many of these women do it incessantly. In a conversation with them, everything you say is somehow turned around to be about them. It makes it difficult to have conversations with them.

And their need to take a bath in perfume? I believe it stems from a desire to hide body odor. While I understand that desire, is it really necessary to dowse yourself in it? It's very overwhelming to those nearby, especially those with health issues that are exacerbated by the perfumes.

As I attempt to age gracefully, I hope that I am able to avoid doing some of the things I find offensive in others. I realize though that I am human, I am woman, and aw, heck - I am getting older, too.