Out with the Old, In with the New

In spite of the family drama, we survived the Christmas holiday.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the drama.  

Things apparently came to a head with Brother #1 and his wife.  Wife lost her temper and hit Brother #1 with some type of horse equipment (he wasn't sure what).  Brother admitted he had his hands around her neck for about 5 seconds before he came to his senses.  He told her to get out, but backed off when he realized she had nowhere to go.  I suspect part of this blow-up came because she was having problems with the stable where she's been keeping her horse.  She told me some of the problems before Christmas and I don't blame her for being upset.  But then Brother told me she has alienated every stable in their area because of her high expectations and attitude.  Anyway, she was going to GIVE her horse away to a friend.  Brother said she would never forgive him for having to get rid of the horse, and I think he's probably right.  Today, she posted on Facebook that she found a place for her horse so she doesn't have to give her away now.  Brother "liked" her post.  I have no idea what to think.  Are they on again, or off again?

Brother #1 did send me a message after she hit him.  He told me that next time - IF there is a next time - he will have me screen for him.  If I don't like the girl, she goes.  He says I always see through them.  Wow.  I'm humbled by his trust in me, but I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm really not sure I want that responsibility!  

Tonight is New Years Eve.  We're pretty boring.  Hubby is putting together a puzzle.  Daughter is sleeping already.  Son and his girlfriend are watching a movie in the other room in the dark.  I have soft fuzzy footies on so I snuck through the kitchen to peak around the corner - and caught them kissing.  I asked them something, but didn't mention the kissing.  Now I know I need to make several sneak trips to check on them.  Her mom is out of town, so she's going to crash on our couch tonight.  My sister suggested I hang a bell on Son's door so I'll hear him if he tries to sneak out.  I certainly hope Son is smarter than that, because if I catch him sneaking out of his room, there WILL be consequences!  

And me?  I'm enjoying the relative quiet of my house, kicked back in my chair with my laptop in front of a blazing fire.  I'm thinking about all that has happened in 2011 - some good, some bad.  Our families have had their share of issues, but at the end of the day, we're still family.  That's the most important part.  

So as the year comes to a close, I wonder if my brothers will make changes in their lives.  My parents aren't getting any younger and watching their children go through tough times has been hard on them.  I hope 2012 brings continued good health for them, and that my siblings are able to straighten out their lives so I don't have to put on my stripes too often.

It's out with the old, in with the new. . . year, that is!

Happy 2012 everyone!

Merry (After) Christmas!

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!

I thought the Midlife Referee was going to get a break for Christmas, but I should have known better.  Especially after the events of the past week.

Brother #2 ended up going to visit his girlfriend and staying there for Christmas.  He told my mom that "nobody cared" if he was here with the family or not anyway.  Not true, but if he wants to be that way, then he doesn't need to be here.  I can do without his drama, and none of us wanted to watch him sit in a chair and pout, which he has done before. To his credit, he did call and wish each of us a Merry Christmas. 

Brother #1 and Wife were fighting.  Wife called me on Christmas Eve day to ask if I'd heard from him.  She said she'd come to stay with her mom and he refused to come with her (they live 3 hours from the rest of us). Her phone quit working and she was trying to reach him but couldn't.  I had already been on Facebook - anticipating problems with them - and he had deactivated his account.  Several of us had sent him emails and texts, and had left voice messages.  Finally on Christmas morning, he replied to let us know he wasn't coming.  Mom and dad kind of laid a guilt trip on him and he ended up driving down.  He was mad at the world and it took him a while to calm down, but in the end, I think he did relax a little and try to enjoy the family.  At least I hope he did.

The rest of our day was filled with laughter and too much food.  Mom shared her fudge recipe with Sister #1 and I, and since I don't normally cook, they had a good laugh at my expense as I tried to understand exactly what Mom was telling me.  Even Hubby got into the act.  We decided he would have to cook the fudge, since I will probably destroy it.  Mom said I better be sure she is available to walk me through it.  It's nice to know they have so much confidence in my abilities.  Then again, there is a reason I stick to No-Bake Cookies!

In spite of the family drama, it was a good Christmas.  I'm thankful to have a large family to share it with - they certainly make things interesting!

Before I go, I want to share my favorite gift this year, one I received at the office.  My very own Boss Voo-doo Doll!  He's adorable and I can't wait to display him in a place of prominence in my office.

And next year. . . I'm going to ask for my very own FAMILY Voo-doo Doll!!!

Opinions on Holidays vs. Family Matters

Everybody is stressed during the holidays.  There aren't enough hours or days to get everything done.  Yes, some of this is self-imposed stress, but still.  Families are complex units, with each member having (and entitled to) their own opinions.  That doesn't make them wrong, or right; it's just an opinion. 

Remind me I said that later.

Sister #2 lives in another state and has lots of issues.  Apparently she has gotten in over her head because she emailed me to see if I could help - again.  I battled through mixed feelings but finally told her I could not help her financially.  This is a pattern for her, and while I do think she is trying to change, she's gotten herself into this situation and she's going to have to get out of it.  My nice side argued, "But it's Christmas!"  I feel guilty whether I help or not.

Brother #2 (who lives at home for now and is old enough to know better!) asked my mom if he could bring his girlfriend to their house on Tuesday and have her stay (she lives an hour away) through Christmas Day.  Mom was very uncomfortable, and so was dad.  Brother apparently had no clue.  Mom is having some health issues, thankfully nothing major, but that's still an added stress during the already crazy busy week before Christmas.  She has presents to wrap, cards to mail, and a million other things to do.  Dad was worried enough to fill me in and I urged him to stay strong and not give into something they were not comfortable with.  I called mom later that night to offer moral support, even though what I really wanted to do was knock Brother #2 upside the head.  Apparently girlfriend has more sense than I previously gave her credit for, because she said she completely understood mom's reluctance and she has decided not to come.  The selfish side of me is glad; the nice side of me feels bad that none of the family really likes this girl.

Then Brother #1's wife asked if she could bring her mom to Christmas.  This is supposed to be OUR family Christmas.  It's always been mom and dad, the kids and spouses (or significant others), and our kids.  It's a time for us to reconnect with each other, since two siblings live three hours or more away.  It's usually the only time during the year when all of us are together at the same time. Well, all but Sister #2.  I'm sorry, but I don't want to share that time with a stranger. If there were extenuating circumstances, I would think about it.  After all, it IS Christmas.  I reluctantly responded to her message saying I was sorry, but I would not be comfortable if her mother came.  I said I hoped she would understand, and that I was looking forward to seeing she and my brother on Christmas.  My writerly mind totally failed me on that one.  I feel strongly about this, but I also feel like slime for saying no.  I just hope there are no hard feelings over it.

Yes, now you can remind me that these are just my opinions, and not everybody - particularly my siblings - may agree.  I was truthful with all three, and while they may not like it, they can't fault me for having my own opinion.

Now, I think I need some eggnog...

Bah Humbug Moments

I had lunch with Mom and Dad this week.  Dad was having a Bah Humbug day; he has a lot of them as he ages.  He wasn't happy because Mom had been working when he thought she should be home with him.  I tried to distract him by talking about Christmas.  I only made it worse.

Dad feels that Christmas has lost all meaning.  For him, Christmas Eve was always a big deal. Everybody met at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a big dinner.  The women all helped clean up, while the men retired to the TV room.  When we kids could wait no longer, Grandma would give in and let us open gifts.  We were surrounded with loved ones, and the house was filled with excitement and laughter.  Now, Grandma and Grandpa are gone, and all of us kids now have kids of our own.  We don't all live in the same town as our parents, not the way Mom and Dad did growing up. Their house is empty of family on Christmas Eve.

I have my own Bah Humbug days.  Christmas used to be my favorite holiday.  We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we never really wanted for anything either.  Christmas was always magical, it seemed.  Mom always found unique things for each of us.  I know she had fun coming up with something to surprise us, and I wanted to continue that with my own family.  It was much easier to do when the kids were little, though.  And shopping for hubby?  Let's just say he's not easy to buy for.  He doesn't like anything that's not useful.  Invariably, I end up in tears at some point on Christmas Day, feeling like a failure.  Bah humbug.

Christmas has become so commercial.  We're all stressed from running around like madmen, trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone on our lists.  Stores don't close on holidays.  Merchants don't seem to see anything but the almighty dollar.  I think, in many ways, we were better off in the old days.  Stores were closed on Sundays - and on holidays - so people spent more time with their families.  Kids were surrounded by parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We played board games or sports in the backyard, instead of being alone with ourselves engrossed in something electronic.  Families talked and yes, we even argued.  But at least we were communicating, which is more than we can say about a lot of families these days.

This Christmas, I want to banish the Bah Humbug moments.  I want that peaceful feeling I had growing up. I want to light candles and sit in front of the fire.  I want to pop popcorn and watch Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, and A Charlie Brown Christmas.  I want to sing Christmas carols, even if I have to belt them out when I'm alone, since my kids won't let me sing when they're in the van with me.  I want to load everybody up on a cold, crisp night and drive around looking at Christmas lights. 

On Christmas Eve, I want to call my parents and thank them for making my childhood great, for teaching me the importance of family.

On Christmas Day, I want to welcome everyone to my house where we can be together as an extended family, filling our bellies with too much food, and making good memories... no Bah Humbugs allowed.

Getting Feisty in My Old Age

For the most part, I've been good about rolling with the punches in my life.  But as I get older, I find myself being more outspoken with my opinions. 

Last week, I was 0 for 2.  I managed to upset both my children in the same day.  I seem to do that fairly frequently these days.

Strike 1.  Son has been driving to school every morning.  Each week, that knocks an hour and 15 minutes off the 50 hours required for drivers ed.  It doesn't sound like much but it adds up, and it's a good time for him to get some experience.  The problem is he hasn't figured out how to accept constructive criticism gracefully.  I think I've been encouraging and not overly critical.  But I've told him numerous times - probably 3 out of 5 days each week - that he's taking the corners too fast. He's not listening.  Friday morning when he careened around the corner, I laughed and said "We're going to have to work on your corners."  I wasn't being mean, but he's got to slow down.  He blew up at me, accusing me of ruining his day twice this week.  He pulled up to the school and slammed out of the van.

The younger me would have been upset that I ruined his day.  This older, feistier me made a decision: he can either do as he's told and slow down, or he can ride.  Period.  I haven't broken that news to him yet though - that will come tomorrow when I probably will ruin his day again.

Strike 2.  Friday night Hubby and I were watching a movie.  During a commercial, Daughter started to tell us about something that had happened at work.  I listened - I was interested in hearing her story.  But when the movie came back on and she continued talking, I asked her if she could finish the story at the next commercial.  She said no, and kept talking.  I pointed out that if SHE were watching a movie, I would have been ordered to be quiet because her movie was back on.  She said she didn't care and she kept talking.  I told her she wasn't being very nice, and she got mad and stormed out of the room.  At the next commercial, I went and asked her to finish her story.  She refused.  I pointed out that I had asked nicely if she could finish at the next commercial, but that didn't matter.  She felt that I didn't care about her work.

Yes, I second guess myself on things like this.  Should I have let her finish, even though my movie was back on?  She knew we'd been watching the movie and I was much nicer to her than she ever is to me when her shows are on.  It's all about the attitude.  So once again, the younger me would have been upset that I had upset her.  This older, feistier me thinks Daughter needs to learn to be a little less selfish.

I've always put the needs of my family ahead of my own.  My kids are important to me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them walk all over me.  There are consequences to their actions.  They might have to learn the hard way, but they WILL learn.

This mom has finally realized that she can't take all their little jibes personally.  I think my emotional skin is getting tougher as my body gets older, and that's probably a good thing if I'm going to continue to be feisty.