In-laws in Trouble

In the midst of a busy week, we took some extra time off work to visit and check on my father-in-law, since we needed to be in town for a soccer game.  Earlier in the day, my mother-in-law called.  She was at her wits’ end with my father-in-law.  Twice this week he has made his way too far up a 4 lane, divided highway on his three-wheel bike.  Both times, he was found by someone who said he was disoriented and seemed out of it.  Mother-in-law wants to take the bike away now, just as she did the golf cart.  That could be more bad than good - at least with the bike he needs to stay on some semblance of a road.  If he is on foot, he could go anywhere.  We’d never find him.

Hubby talked, or rather listened, to his dad while I urged my mother-in-law outside to talk.  She was crying and upset and that was only going to upset him more.  Besides, I hate it when she talks about him as if he isn’t there, even though his hearing is so bad he probably doesn’t hear anything she says.  It just makes me uncomfortable.

She said she just can’t take it any more. She had hoped to keep him home with her for 5-6 more years at least, but he’s become more than she can handle.  She’s exhausted and frustrated.  She’d called the doctors office and asked for help getting him admitted to a nursing home, or rather an Alzheimer’s unit.  They called back while we were there, and they wanted to be sure his kids are in agreement that it’s time. Most of us are.  Those who aren’t are in denial of his condition.  They are quick to criticize her handling of the situation - and although over the years, she hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the kids, they don’t have to live with him.  They don’t have to put up with his mood swings and other problems like she does.  Until they do, they should not be so quick to judge her.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has only an 8th grade education.  She has been struggling to understand the legal documents required for insurance and medical purposes.  Although she is happy to complain to us about things, she doesn’t want to share those things with us - I think because she’s scare of losing control.  The problem is that in not understanding the papers, she’s creating a deeper hole for herself (for them).  For instance, she should have turned in the papers to Family Services requesting help weeks ago.  She didn’t turn them in until yesterday.  We talked about the nursing home papers and getting him on a list weeks ago, too.  She didn’t fill out any of the papers and turn them in - until yesterday when she couldn’t take it anymore.  But nursing homes and Family Services don’t help you the minute you turn in papers. They take time to read the information, to assess and investigate, before they make any commitments to helping you.  So in essence, she’s weeks behind where she could be, if only she had turned in the papers previously.  If only she had asked for help.  Yes, we’ve offered.

We also learned they have not filed income tax documents for past few years.  Now the IRS is on them.  They may lose their house because my father-in-law insisted on handling the papers himself when they bought the house, instead of getting a lawyer.  Now they are locked into some kind of balloon loan with a high interest rate, and one that for some reason has to be renewed every five years.  Never heard of such a thing, so I don’t know if what she is telling us is accurate or if it’s a confused interpretation of her own (mis)understanding.

My mother-in-law is also upset that the other siblings do not try to help.  Three of us live within an hour of their house.  The other two are not too much farther away.  If all of them would make an attempt to come once a month and visit for a couple hours, it would make a huge difference.  My father-in-law is coherent enough at times that he knows who has been there and who has not.  And my thought is, if you aren’t going to make the effort to visit, then why should you get to make decisions on his care?  You aren’t there.  You aren’t witnessing his deterioration like we are.  I don’t care that they don’t like my mother-in-law. I’m pretty sure it’s mutual.  But, shouldn’t you care enough about you dad to at least call?

One of these days, probably sooner than later, he’s going to be gone and then they’ll wish they had these days back.  I’ll have a hard time feeling sorry for them when they had ample opportunity and didn’t take it.  And it’s not like they don’t realize it - we’ve all talked about it.  They just choose to let us deal with it, while they ignore it.

Sometimes I wish they weren’t family so I could tell them what I really think.

My Life is Not My Own

The weekend got away from me, since my life is not my own!  Busy week last week, mostly because of soccer games. It's hard to keep up with the everyday things when you're on the road all the time.

We visited my father-in-law a week ago.  His regressions are getting more obvious.  His attention span is very small, and he gets upset easily and cries.  That is really hard to take.  The doctor wanted him to have a colonoscopy late last week, and his wife was not looking forward to the experience of trying to get him there. We were hoping she would just skip it - he won't go for treatment even if they find something.  So we need to follow up and see what she found out.

This past weekend was very busy!  Saturday was a day for soccer, two weddings, and homecoming. We started out with soccer  at 10 AM - which our home team won!  It was a good start to the day.  Immediately after the game, we rushed home to change clothes, then headed to the first wedding. It was a little over an hour drive, but we made it with about 15 minutes to spare.  My niece got married to a wonderful young man, and Daughter was in the wedding.  I shed a few tears, along with many others.  The reception was short but sweet, and by 7 PM we were headed back home to attend the other reception.  I was sorry to miss the second wedding, but family comes first.  The second reception was fun, too.  Good friends, good music (and a little dancing), and fun in the photobooth.  

I did miss out on Homecoming pictures, but then Son did not take a date, and he was not interested in me taking pictures of him in his dress clothes.  But he does clean up nice!  And if he would have had a date, I would have skipped the first reception to be home for Son.  Ah well, maybe next year... 

Sunday was busy with house stuff like dishes and laundry, all the things we haven't been home to do for the past week or so.  And then we had more soccer yesterday and today (both wins)!

Daughter told me she also had her first "normal" headache in months.  She said she knew immediately it was a normal one, and not one of the horrible ones she has been having.  Maybe the medicine is starting to work, but I really would feel better if she wasn't on it.  The side effects are terrible.  Two more weeks before we go back to the doctor.  Hopefully she continues to improve and can get off the meds.  

Extended family and friends are still in my thoughts and prayers.  Some have received good news, but I'm still keeping them all in mind.  

And this week I need to check on the parents, since I haven't been home to do that.  I do know that Mom was released to go back to work for a few hours at a time.  I hope that is going well for her.  Youngest brother found out he has a broken bone in his foot, which means more time off work, which he can ill-afford.  And Dad is my link to all the news.  I look forward to his frequent one or two line emails, just asking how things are and letting me know he cares.  Thanks Dad!

Home and Health

Another week gone by and we're no closer to the answers we're looking for.  Daughter had her MRI yesterday but we won't know anything until Monday or Tuesday.  Mixed feelings await the results - we want the MRI to show what the problem is, but at the same time, we don't want the MRI to show something bad. It's scary to be waiting. Various family members and friends are also battling health issues.  I've been praying for all of them, and will continue to do so.

Daughter is having an adjustment period in her new home.  She has discovered that not all men were brought up to do household chores, as her dad was.  No, cleaning house and doing dishes is not "a woman's job" but  many men will not acknowledge that.  My advice to her boyfriend, if I could give it to him, would be to contribute to the household or your life will be miserable!  Daughter does not forgive and forget easily. 

I suspect there is more going on than she lets on.  Yes, she's stubborn and can be difficult at times, but she means well.  He is also stubborn, from what I've seen, so I'm sure they are knocking heads. I think maybe they are having a little too much "together" time living together.  They both need to spend some time with their own friends, doing their own thing, and not feel that they have to spend every waking moment together. Hopefully they can work it out soon. 

Tomorrow we will be visiting my father-in-law again.  It's always emotionally draining to visit, but I know it's just something we have to do.  Who knows what my mother-in-law will have to say this time?  She always comes up with totally mixed up information.  I really wonder sometimes if she isn't also having problems.  The last time we visited, she told us there were two nursing homes who could take him with his Alzheimer's, and she gave us the names.  One of the names is the name of a city administrative center, and the other we couldn't find in the phone book or on-line.  Does she just make this stuff up? 

Our kids keep telling us they're going to put us in the nursing home when we reach "the age" - whatever that is.  I don't know what would be worse - having your mind but being in physical pain, or not having your mind and being physically healthy. I hope I don't have to find out... can't I just be a normal person like I am now for the rest of my life?  **sigh**

Update from the Nest

I've survived the first week without my daughter at home, but not without some sleepless nights.  I don't know if it's not knowing if she's home safely or just general worrying that is keeping me awake, but something sure is!  Luckily, daughter is good about texting me.  As soon as my current texting plan runs out, I plan to increase it.  It's not the same as having her here, or talking to her, but it's better than nothing!

She's still fighting headaches, and we have an MRI scheduled for this week.  I hope it finds nothing significant, and I've already started a list of things to check on following the MRI.  I just wish I could fix this for her, and make the headaches go away.  I hate feeling so helpless.

Son has been busy with soccer.  Three games last week.  Three games scheduled for this week, with the possibility of a fourth being added.  This year is our "away" year - we have more away games than home, and most of them are about an hour away.  It makes for late dinners and late nights home. Maybe that's contributing to my not sleeping.

The parental units are also on my mind.  Mom and Dad are doing alright, although Mom still seems to be having some respiratory problems.  Shoulder physical therapy has gone well and she will soon be released to work a few hours and see how it goes.  Dad has his problems with dizziness and possibly early signs of dementia.  He gets very upset when we tell him about his episodes of memory loss and other weird actions.  Understandable, but we are just looking out for him.

My father-in-law is also getting worse.  He is not thrilled with the three-wheeled bike but at least it gets him out of the house.  He also strongly dislikes his "babysitter" but she is a great help to my mother-in-law, just by virtue of her being there so my mother-in-law can escape for a couple of hours.  Mother-in-law did talk with Family Services and they are putting my father-in-law on the alzheimer's/nursing home wait list, but if a spot comes open she doesn't have to take it, and they will still keep him on the list.  They did recommend an adult day care program for at least one day a week, which would be good for his socialization skills.  I'm sure he won't like that any better than he likes his babysitter.

I'm also worrying about some extended family members and friends who are having some health issues.  I want them to know they are in my prayers.

Yes, I'm a worry-wart.  It's what I do best.

The Nest is Half Empty

The time has come for my life as I know it to change.

My daughter moved out yesterday, with our blessings.  That doesn’t mean it was any easier to help her pack up and move.  But she’s almost 21 and she’s ready to be on her own, so I have to let her go.  She and her boyfriend found a place together, and they are very excited to be there.  Lucky for me, their place is less than 30 minutes away.

We did as they asked - we helped them move the heavy furniture in, unloaded the boxes into the garage, and left them to unpack.  They wanted to do it themselves, and I don’t blame them.  I held it together but I felt pretty lost driving away and leaving her behind.  Is this how it feels to leave your kid at college?

I came home and wandered through the house, back to her room.  She hasn’t emptied it completely, but it’s pretty bare without her furniture and her clothes piled all over the floor.  It’s funny how empty the house feels, knowing she’s not here.  For the past few months, she’s been gone more than she’s been home, but I always knew she would come home.  Now, she’ll come to visit but she won’t be staying.

Isn’t this what we, as parents, are supposed to do?  Raise our children up to be well-adjusted, functioning adults, then push them out into the world.  In my head, I know it is.  My heart would rather have kept her little for longer.

Later last night, I got on Facebook. She had posted a message saying she’d already told her boyfriend “I miss my mom.”  My heart just melted.  I haven’t lost her after all.  She’s just beginning to make her own life, but I will be a part of it.

I still have my son at home, but at 16 he’d rather not have much to do with mom.  I exist to feed him.  And give him money and a vehicle to drive.  But one of these days, that won’t be enough and he, too, will move out.

I’m sure it won’t be any easier the second time around.