Having All the Answers

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers.

Then I think how much weight that would put on my shoulders, and I'm glad I don't have all the answers.  Still, it would be nice to have the ones I need!

Daughter is at that stage in between a teenager and an adult.  She's fiercely independent but still looking for approval.  She doesn't want to be told what to do, but she wants someone else to make the tough decisions.  Several times I've had to remind her that I can't make certain decisions for her; I'm not going to be the one who was wrong.  Today, I repeated that again.  She laughed and said I could, because eventually she'd forgive me if I was wrong because I'm her mother and she has to live with me.  I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.  By the time I arrived home, though, she had made her decision - a decision I'm proud of her for making on her own.

Son passed his drivers test with his teacher, which means when he goes to get his license in another month, he won't have to drive unless he's one of the unlucky ones.  He still needs to drive another ten hours to have his 50 required hours completed.  I refuse to skimp on those hours, much to his annoyance.  After all, he is almost 16 and he KNOWS what he's doing.  I admit his driving is smoother with each passing day, but I'm not ready to hand him the keys and turn him loose.  On this one, I do have the answer:  he's not quite ready to be driving alone yet! 

My mom is doing really well with her physical therapy.  She's not allowed to drive yet.  On that subject, she is just like my son.  She's convinced she can do it, even though the doctor doesn't want her driving yet.  She can't lift her left arm very far.  She could rip out the stitches if she had to jerk the wheel for any reason.  If she did get in an accident, I don't know if insurance would cover it since she's not supposed to be driving.  And even the nurse told her "I wouldn't want to meet you on the road!"  But mom persists - she thinks she can do it.  She argues that I don't understand how difficult and frustrating it is for her not to be able to run to the store, or to drive herself to church.  She doesn't like relying on other people.  I reminded her that she can pay it back when she's well enough - she can drive someone else who needs a ride.  The nurse said I could take her to a parking lot - an empty parking lot - and let her drive around it, see how she does.  But she wants me to randomly say "Watch out!" and see how mom reacts, how she handles a sudden distraction.  Mom frowned when she told us that, and by the time we left therapy, she had agreed to wait another week before trying to drive.  Now, I don't put it past her to try to drive the few blocks to the grocery store before next week.  I only hope she is smart enough to take my brother with her, just in case.  I have the answer on this one, too:  no driving!  But mom is not a patient patient and doesn't like to be told what to do, especially when she thinks she can do more.

Sometimes having the answers might not be all I wish it could be. 

The Family Glue

Today we visited my father-in-law and his wife. We haven't seen them in awhile, even though they live less than an hour away. My father-in-law is 76 years old. He is a former Methodist minister. I've often thought I would never have made it through one of his sermons. It takes him forever to say what he's trying to say!

Today was  no exception, and yet it was. Somehow we got on the subject of flying. He started to tell me about the time he traveled to Israel with another minister. They flew from Chicago, to New York City, then to Paris, Rome, and finally Greece, where they took other transportation to Israel. He said they only experienced one problem during the whole trip: a man took offense at the clerical collar my father-in-law wore. He told me this story about four times - it was like being in my own Groundhog Day or Fifty First Dates movie.

You see, my father-in-law has Alzheimer's. We've known for some time that he was slipping. It's very hard to watch. His wife tells us how difficult he is to live with. But at least today was a good day. We had several good conversations over the course of a few hours, and the flying memory is the only one he revisited more than once.

I know how hard it can be. I watched my mother cope with her mother's Alzheimer's. I fear it is in her future, and mine, as well.

On the way home, Hubby and I were talking about what happens when our parents are gone. He has four siblings, as do I. We congregate at his mom's house for gatherings with his family. My family doesn't really congregate, except at Christmas, and we do that at my house.

So what happens when our parents are no longer here to be the glue holding our families together? Will we still congregate at holidays? Where will we congregate? Will everyone put forth the effort they do now to make it to these gatherings?

Hubby has three brothers and one sister.  I have two brothers and two sisters.  None of our siblings have room for all of their families to gather. We are the only ones with a house big enough for everyone to gather.  We are also more centrally located among all of us. I suspect that Hubby and I will have to become the glue if we want our respective families to stay connected.

We care about our siblings and their families, but holding everyone together will not be easy. We don't all live in the same area. Some of us have kids, some don't. But we are all busy with our own lives.

It won't be the same without our parents. Are we enough like them that we can pull this off? We may have to start our own traditions. We may have to work hard to keep our families connected.

I may be the oldest (some would say bossiest) sibling in my family, but hopefully that will give me the strength I need to become the glue that holds our families together. Family matters.

From the Passenger Seat

We went to visit my mother-in-law today - a belated Easter.  Son drove his first longer distance, and Daughter was convinced she was not going to survive the trip.  I kindly reminded her that Son probably felt the same way the first time he rode with her!  Of course, that didn't go over very well.  

Son's driving is improving, although he still thinks he knows all there is to know about driving.  From the passenger seat, he still takes turns - especially right-hand turns - a little too fast.  That may not be a problem on dry pavement, but under other conditions it could be.  He insists he's doing nothing wrong and not going that fast.  Dad and Daughter also shared their thoughts and Son did not appreciate any of our opinions.  Imagine that!

Before today, he hadn't driven more than about 45 minutes in one session.  Our trip today was almost 2 hours one way with one stop along the way.  Son said he was bored.  I had to laugh.  Bored!?  Good!  That means he won't be interested in driving far from home.  Not that I plan to let him go that far anytime soon anyway.  

What Son fails to understand is that until his dad and I are comfortable with his driving, he won't be going anywhere alone in our vehicles, even if he does have his license!  I keep trying to tell him he'd better pay attention, but of course, I'm just his mother.  I know nothing.

Ah, but there's one thing he's forgotten....

I control the car keys.  

Shoulders, Teeth, and Cars

I'm glad this week is starting out less stressful than last week! 

Mom's surgery was one week ago today.  It was a very long day.  Surgery started about 2 hours later than planned.  Then she was in there about 2-1/2 hours.  The doctor did not find what she expected (tears in the rotator cuff); instead she found a bone spur that had sliced the shoulder muscle and laid it open.  Luckily, it was still anchored on both ends, so she was able to file the bone spur off, clean it up and sew the muscle back together.  The bad part is the muscle is so deteriorated that she doesn't expect it to last.  She thinks the muscle has been in bad shape for much longer than originally thought, but indicated that only time will tell if Mom needs shoulder replacement or not.

Mom seemed to be doing really well about an hour later when we were allowed in to see her.  I had to break the news to her that she will be immobilized in a sling contraption with a stress ball attached for 4-6 weeks.  No driving allowed.  She was not a happy camper.  But over the past week, I think (I hope!) she has come to understand why she won't be allowed to drive for awhile.  The immobilizer is pretty inflexible, and the pain she's experienced when she's tried to move should make her behave. 

Dad was very emotional Monday but got through the day.  Wednesday I took him to the oral surgeon to follow up from his ER visit on Friday.  He seemed to be having a pretty good day as far as being coherent.  The oral surgeon was also running late - we waited an hour to be seen.  Luckily the problem was easily diagnosed and we scheduled the extraction for Friday.  When we first arrived, they told us the primary care doctor would work us in while we were there so we didn't have to make a return trip that afternoon.  Primary care doctor says everything looks good - blood pressure was back to normal, blood work looked good.  He did suggest a colonoscopy, which did not go over well with Dad.  

Wednesday night Mom had a rough night - she was in more pain than before.  She was only taking the pain meds as she needed them, not keeping them in her system around the clock as she should have been.  Once you get to that point, it takes some time for the pain meds to work their magic and make you feel human again.  Mom's high pain tolerance was helpful; she was feeling better by Thursday evening.  

Friday Dad had his tooth extracted and it didn't take as long as expected. I'm glad that's over with!  And I'm hoping the next week brings improvement for Mom in her pain.  

The best part of Friday was Daughter drove in her first stock car race!  The Referee was more than a little nervous about that.  It's one thing for her to drive her stock car on the track with only one or two other cars, but seeing her out there with 6-8 other cars at once?  Cars with more experienced drivers, driving faster laps?  The butterflies in my stomach were just plain vicious.  She did very well for first race.  She didn't finish last in her heat because another guy spun, and she didn't wreck anybody!  It was a good night! 

The End of March Madness?

It's been 6 days since Son's girlfriend broke up with him. He seems to be coping for the most part, but he has his moments. He made the same mistake we all probably made with our first love - he focused all his energies on her and neglected his friends. Now he feels like he doesn't have any friends, even though he does. Hubby says it's different, though. Guys don't talk to their guy friends about broken relationships like girls do. I've tried to talk to him a few times but he quickly ends any conversation I try to start, unless it has nothing to do with her. At least I've tried.

I thought that was enough drama for one week, but apparently life had other ideas. On Friday, my mom called me at work. She was at the ER with my dad. I went to sit with her while they waited. Dad was dizzy, had a horrible headache and a toothache, and ached all over. His blood pressure was higher than normal for him. He hasn't been able to eat or sleep much in the past week or so. The ER doctor was very nice, and very thorough. He did bloodwork, an EKG, and chest x-rays - all of which came back normal. After calling dad's regular doctor, he told mom that dad's symptoms are apparently chronic (and they are). He gave dad antibiotics for the toothache and some pain meds for his aches, but insisted that he follow up with his regular doctor on Monday, and also see the dentist soon. Dad, of course, denied that he has chronic symptoms. He does have Meniere's Disease - an inner ear imbalance that affects balance and hearing. The doctor said he appeared to have some vertigo, which goes with the Meniere's Disease, which could have been making the headache worse.

Some in my family would ask if the episode was for real, or was it simply a way for dad to get some attention? Dad is definitely borderline depressed, in my opinion. He denies it and gets angry if anyone suggests that he is depressed. He has a history of acting out at times. Sometimes we really do believe he is playing at it; other times we believe he is actually not feeling well. The problem is we never know which is which. He's like the boy who cried wolf too many times.

Mom's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. Was dad just trying to get some attention, knowing mom will have all eyes on her this week as she recuperates from what promises to be a painful surgery? I honestly don't think he was, not this time. Mom was able to schedule an appointment for him to see the dentist on Wednesday morning, and follow-up with his doctor Wednesday afternoon. Mom won't be able to drive for awhile, so the rest of us kids will have to ferry him around since he doesn't drive.

I'm hoping that April brings some real sunshine, as well as some emotional/mental sunshine for the family. I hope dad has maybe learned a lesson - that he needs to take care of himself.  And I hope that mom's surgery is successful and that she won't need shoulder replacement.

Goodbye March Madness!!!