Out with the Old, In with the New

In spite of the family drama, we survived the Christmas holiday.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the drama.  

Things apparently came to a head with Brother #1 and his wife.  Wife lost her temper and hit Brother #1 with some type of horse equipment (he wasn't sure what).  Brother admitted he had his hands around her neck for about 5 seconds before he came to his senses.  He told her to get out, but backed off when he realized she had nowhere to go.  I suspect part of this blow-up came because she was having problems with the stable where she's been keeping her horse.  She told me some of the problems before Christmas and I don't blame her for being upset.  But then Brother told me she has alienated every stable in their area because of her high expectations and attitude.  Anyway, she was going to GIVE her horse away to a friend.  Brother said she would never forgive him for having to get rid of the horse, and I think he's probably right.  Today, she posted on Facebook that she found a place for her horse so she doesn't have to give her away now.  Brother "liked" her post.  I have no idea what to think.  Are they on again, or off again?

Brother #1 did send me a message after she hit him.  He told me that next time - IF there is a next time - he will have me screen for him.  If I don't like the girl, she goes.  He says I always see through them.  Wow.  I'm humbled by his trust in me, but I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm really not sure I want that responsibility!  

Tonight is New Years Eve.  We're pretty boring.  Hubby is putting together a puzzle.  Daughter is sleeping already.  Son and his girlfriend are watching a movie in the other room in the dark.  I have soft fuzzy footies on so I snuck through the kitchen to peak around the corner - and caught them kissing.  I asked them something, but didn't mention the kissing.  Now I know I need to make several sneak trips to check on them.  Her mom is out of town, so she's going to crash on our couch tonight.  My sister suggested I hang a bell on Son's door so I'll hear him if he tries to sneak out.  I certainly hope Son is smarter than that, because if I catch him sneaking out of his room, there WILL be consequences!  

And me?  I'm enjoying the relative quiet of my house, kicked back in my chair with my laptop in front of a blazing fire.  I'm thinking about all that has happened in 2011 - some good, some bad.  Our families have had their share of issues, but at the end of the day, we're still family.  That's the most important part.  

So as the year comes to a close, I wonder if my brothers will make changes in their lives.  My parents aren't getting any younger and watching their children go through tough times has been hard on them.  I hope 2012 brings continued good health for them, and that my siblings are able to straighten out their lives so I don't have to put on my stripes too often.

It's out with the old, in with the new. . . year, that is!

Happy 2012 everyone!

Merry (After) Christmas!

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!

I thought the Midlife Referee was going to get a break for Christmas, but I should have known better.  Especially after the events of the past week.

Brother #2 ended up going to visit his girlfriend and staying there for Christmas.  He told my mom that "nobody cared" if he was here with the family or not anyway.  Not true, but if he wants to be that way, then he doesn't need to be here.  I can do without his drama, and none of us wanted to watch him sit in a chair and pout, which he has done before. To his credit, he did call and wish each of us a Merry Christmas. 

Brother #1 and Wife were fighting.  Wife called me on Christmas Eve day to ask if I'd heard from him.  She said she'd come to stay with her mom and he refused to come with her (they live 3 hours from the rest of us). Her phone quit working and she was trying to reach him but couldn't.  I had already been on Facebook - anticipating problems with them - and he had deactivated his account.  Several of us had sent him emails and texts, and had left voice messages.  Finally on Christmas morning, he replied to let us know he wasn't coming.  Mom and dad kind of laid a guilt trip on him and he ended up driving down.  He was mad at the world and it took him a while to calm down, but in the end, I think he did relax a little and try to enjoy the family.  At least I hope he did.

The rest of our day was filled with laughter and too much food.  Mom shared her fudge recipe with Sister #1 and I, and since I don't normally cook, they had a good laugh at my expense as I tried to understand exactly what Mom was telling me.  Even Hubby got into the act.  We decided he would have to cook the fudge, since I will probably destroy it.  Mom said I better be sure she is available to walk me through it.  It's nice to know they have so much confidence in my abilities.  Then again, there is a reason I stick to No-Bake Cookies!

In spite of the family drama, it was a good Christmas.  I'm thankful to have a large family to share it with - they certainly make things interesting!

Before I go, I want to share my favorite gift this year, one I received at the office.  My very own Boss Voo-doo Doll!  He's adorable and I can't wait to display him in a place of prominence in my office.

And next year. . . I'm going to ask for my very own FAMILY Voo-doo Doll!!!

Opinions on Holidays vs. Family Matters

Everybody is stressed during the holidays.  There aren't enough hours or days to get everything done.  Yes, some of this is self-imposed stress, but still.  Families are complex units, with each member having (and entitled to) their own opinions.  That doesn't make them wrong, or right; it's just an opinion. 

Remind me I said that later.

Sister #2 lives in another state and has lots of issues.  Apparently she has gotten in over her head because she emailed me to see if I could help - again.  I battled through mixed feelings but finally told her I could not help her financially.  This is a pattern for her, and while I do think she is trying to change, she's gotten herself into this situation and she's going to have to get out of it.  My nice side argued, "But it's Christmas!"  I feel guilty whether I help or not.

Brother #2 (who lives at home for now and is old enough to know better!) asked my mom if he could bring his girlfriend to their house on Tuesday and have her stay (she lives an hour away) through Christmas Day.  Mom was very uncomfortable, and so was dad.  Brother apparently had no clue.  Mom is having some health issues, thankfully nothing major, but that's still an added stress during the already crazy busy week before Christmas.  She has presents to wrap, cards to mail, and a million other things to do.  Dad was worried enough to fill me in and I urged him to stay strong and not give into something they were not comfortable with.  I called mom later that night to offer moral support, even though what I really wanted to do was knock Brother #2 upside the head.  Apparently girlfriend has more sense than I previously gave her credit for, because she said she completely understood mom's reluctance and she has decided not to come.  The selfish side of me is glad; the nice side of me feels bad that none of the family really likes this girl.

Then Brother #1's wife asked if she could bring her mom to Christmas.  This is supposed to be OUR family Christmas.  It's always been mom and dad, the kids and spouses (or significant others), and our kids.  It's a time for us to reconnect with each other, since two siblings live three hours or more away.  It's usually the only time during the year when all of us are together at the same time. Well, all but Sister #2.  I'm sorry, but I don't want to share that time with a stranger. If there were extenuating circumstances, I would think about it.  After all, it IS Christmas.  I reluctantly responded to her message saying I was sorry, but I would not be comfortable if her mother came.  I said I hoped she would understand, and that I was looking forward to seeing she and my brother on Christmas.  My writerly mind totally failed me on that one.  I feel strongly about this, but I also feel like slime for saying no.  I just hope there are no hard feelings over it.

Yes, now you can remind me that these are just my opinions, and not everybody - particularly my siblings - may agree.  I was truthful with all three, and while they may not like it, they can't fault me for having my own opinion.

Now, I think I need some eggnog...

Bah Humbug Moments

I had lunch with Mom and Dad this week.  Dad was having a Bah Humbug day; he has a lot of them as he ages.  He wasn't happy because Mom had been working when he thought she should be home with him.  I tried to distract him by talking about Christmas.  I only made it worse.

Dad feels that Christmas has lost all meaning.  For him, Christmas Eve was always a big deal. Everybody met at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a big dinner.  The women all helped clean up, while the men retired to the TV room.  When we kids could wait no longer, Grandma would give in and let us open gifts.  We were surrounded with loved ones, and the house was filled with excitement and laughter.  Now, Grandma and Grandpa are gone, and all of us kids now have kids of our own.  We don't all live in the same town as our parents, not the way Mom and Dad did growing up. Their house is empty of family on Christmas Eve.

I have my own Bah Humbug days.  Christmas used to be my favorite holiday.  We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we never really wanted for anything either.  Christmas was always magical, it seemed.  Mom always found unique things for each of us.  I know she had fun coming up with something to surprise us, and I wanted to continue that with my own family.  It was much easier to do when the kids were little, though.  And shopping for hubby?  Let's just say he's not easy to buy for.  He doesn't like anything that's not useful.  Invariably, I end up in tears at some point on Christmas Day, feeling like a failure.  Bah humbug.

Christmas has become so commercial.  We're all stressed from running around like madmen, trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone on our lists.  Stores don't close on holidays.  Merchants don't seem to see anything but the almighty dollar.  I think, in many ways, we were better off in the old days.  Stores were closed on Sundays - and on holidays - so people spent more time with their families.  Kids were surrounded by parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We played board games or sports in the backyard, instead of being alone with ourselves engrossed in something electronic.  Families talked and yes, we even argued.  But at least we were communicating, which is more than we can say about a lot of families these days.

This Christmas, I want to banish the Bah Humbug moments.  I want that peaceful feeling I had growing up. I want to light candles and sit in front of the fire.  I want to pop popcorn and watch Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, and A Charlie Brown Christmas.  I want to sing Christmas carols, even if I have to belt them out when I'm alone, since my kids won't let me sing when they're in the van with me.  I want to load everybody up on a cold, crisp night and drive around looking at Christmas lights. 

On Christmas Eve, I want to call my parents and thank them for making my childhood great, for teaching me the importance of family.

On Christmas Day, I want to welcome everyone to my house where we can be together as an extended family, filling our bellies with too much food, and making good memories... no Bah Humbugs allowed.

Getting Feisty in My Old Age

For the most part, I've been good about rolling with the punches in my life.  But as I get older, I find myself being more outspoken with my opinions. 

Last week, I was 0 for 2.  I managed to upset both my children in the same day.  I seem to do that fairly frequently these days.

Strike 1.  Son has been driving to school every morning.  Each week, that knocks an hour and 15 minutes off the 50 hours required for drivers ed.  It doesn't sound like much but it adds up, and it's a good time for him to get some experience.  The problem is he hasn't figured out how to accept constructive criticism gracefully.  I think I've been encouraging and not overly critical.  But I've told him numerous times - probably 3 out of 5 days each week - that he's taking the corners too fast. He's not listening.  Friday morning when he careened around the corner, I laughed and said "We're going to have to work on your corners."  I wasn't being mean, but he's got to slow down.  He blew up at me, accusing me of ruining his day twice this week.  He pulled up to the school and slammed out of the van.

The younger me would have been upset that I ruined his day.  This older, feistier me made a decision: he can either do as he's told and slow down, or he can ride.  Period.  I haven't broken that news to him yet though - that will come tomorrow when I probably will ruin his day again.

Strike 2.  Friday night Hubby and I were watching a movie.  During a commercial, Daughter started to tell us about something that had happened at work.  I listened - I was interested in hearing her story.  But when the movie came back on and she continued talking, I asked her if she could finish the story at the next commercial.  She said no, and kept talking.  I pointed out that if SHE were watching a movie, I would have been ordered to be quiet because her movie was back on.  She said she didn't care and she kept talking.  I told her she wasn't being very nice, and she got mad and stormed out of the room.  At the next commercial, I went and asked her to finish her story.  She refused.  I pointed out that I had asked nicely if she could finish at the next commercial, but that didn't matter.  She felt that I didn't care about her work.

Yes, I second guess myself on things like this.  Should I have let her finish, even though my movie was back on?  She knew we'd been watching the movie and I was much nicer to her than she ever is to me when her shows are on.  It's all about the attitude.  So once again, the younger me would have been upset that I had upset her.  This older, feistier me thinks Daughter needs to learn to be a little less selfish.

I've always put the needs of my family ahead of my own.  My kids are important to me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them walk all over me.  There are consequences to their actions.  They might have to learn the hard way, but they WILL learn.

This mom has finally realized that she can't take all their little jibes personally.  I think my emotional skin is getting tougher as my body gets older, and that's probably a good thing if I'm going to continue to be feisty.

Thanksgiving Week

Thanksgiving week was a lot more stressful than I had hoped it would be!

Daughter had to have knee surgery for a torn meniscus.  She is not a good patient under everyday circumstances, so having to have this surgery really messed her up.  I should have thought to ask for something to calm her nerves BEFORE we went to the hospital - maybe it would have helped.  It was a long day, but I am thankful for the doctor, the wonderful nurses, and especially the anesthesiologist who calmed her fears just before they took her in. Although she has a ways to go, she is improving every day.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with hubby's family at his mom's house.  His sister arrived late with her new boyfriend, and we had already drawn names for the family Christmas gift exchange. She was dismayed to learn we had not included boyfriend in the gift exchange, even though historically, significant others have not been included until they have married into the family.  She withdrew her name from the list in protest.  It kind of put a damper on the day, but after discussing it with the other siblings, hubby was able to convince his sister to participate by including the boyfriend as well.  Hopefully there will be no hard feelings over this.

Friday after Thanksgiving, we visited hubby's dad and his wife, who are dealing with his dad's Alzheimer's. He was having a good day on Friday, and we had a nice visit.  It's a difficult situation because he doesn't remember anything recent, but he talks constantly about when he was a kid growing up.  His wife is not well-liked by my hubby and his siblings; in their defense, she has created many of the problems herself by how she has treated them.  Wife is upset that hubby's siblings only rarely call or visit.  There are reasons why they don't visit often, but I wish they would call more than they do.  We try to call and visit at least once a month, which doesn't seem like much, I know. As hard as it is, I hope my hubby and his siblings realize their dad will not always be here.  I am thankful they have this time with him, and I hope they can move past their differences with his wife so they can enjoy what time they do have.

We didn't get to see my family this week, but I did talk with my parents and a couple of my siblings by phone. I look forward to them being at my house for Christmas!

In spite of the stress, I am thankful for all the good things in my life!

The Dating Game

It's funny how dating is fine when my almost 20-year-old daughter wants to do it, but when my 15-year-old son starts dating, it's a different story -- according to Daughter.

Son has had a girlfriend since Halloween.  She's a pretty girl and seems very nice, but she's an older woman.  Oh alright -- only by a year, but still, at 15 that year seems like much more.  She is a junior, he's a sophomore.  She has her license, he doesn't.

Son invited her over about a week after they started dating.  Hubby was home so they weren't here alone.  I came home from work to find them sitting on the couch, holding hands.  So cute!  And immediately on the heels of that thought came another:  Oh my gosh, he's my baby!  He can't be old enough to date! 

They've settled into somewhat of a routine, she comes here once a week and he goes there once or twice a week.  It's probably a good thing she doesn't live in our town - I'd be driving by her house every 30 minutes to spy.  I asked Hubby if he had "talked" to Son.  His answer?  Sure.  Yeah right!  He hasn't talked to him - not about what I want him to talk to him about!  Hubby laughs at me and says Son is a good kid, not prone to making bad choices.  I reminded him that Son is also a 15-year-old hormonal boy!  It got me nowhere.

As Son was driving to school this week (Ahhhh... a captive audience!), I brought up the subject of being a gentleman.  He didn't want to talk about it, and admitted he would rather have this conversation with his sister than with me.  I wasn't upset about it, but I did make sure he knows I have expectations of him!

Daughter is not happy he is dating.  It's not WHO he's dating, it's the fact that he IS dating.  She told me she can't take this - that it needs to stop.  I laughed and said that's how I felt when she started dating.  She told me this was different - she didn't have to watch when she started dating!

Ultimately, I hope to see both my children happy with someone special in their lives.  Daughter is so independent it might take her a while to find someone strong enough for her, but she will find someone eventually.  As for Son, I have no doubt someday he will find someone too, but for now - he's only 15!

Veterans Day

We celebrated Veterans Day this week.  There were lots of ceremonies thanking our veterans for their service to our country.  What is a veteran?  A Facebook post described it well:

A local radio station recently hosted an Honor Flight in which a plane-full of World War II veterans were flown to Washington D.C., at no cost to them, to see their recently built memorial. We attended the "Welcome Home" event at our local airport. What a wonderful experience for our veterans! 

I am humbled by what these veterans have given in order that we may continue to have the freedoms we have in the United States.

Thank you, Veterans.

November Brings Change

November brings change to my corner of the Midwest.

The weather is noticeably different. We had a wonderful, warm October.  Many people were still running around in shorts, until last week.  Frosty nights and daytime temperatures in the low 50's feel much colder than they really are.  That's enough to get me back into my sweatshirts and jeans - some of my favorite attire!

This weekend we turned our clocks back and gained an extra hour of sleep.  Well, I tried to gain it anyway.  My body and mind were wide awake at 8 AM, but then I realized it was only 7 AM.  So much for sleeping in.  I curled up in the chair with a warm blanket and a good book until the rest of the family was awake.

Last weekend I was upset to discover my daughter blocked me on Facebook.  Early in the week, we had a discussion via text messages.  That seems to be the only way we talk these days.  But at least the discussion provided a way for both of us to share our feelings and clear the air.  Shortly after that discussion, I was able to see her posts again.  She blames it on a Facebook glitch and is adamant that she didn't block me.  I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the timing is pretty suspicious.  Still, things are better now so I'm not going to push the issue.

November is not just a time for change.  It's a time to give thanks for all our blessings.  So as we begin the month, I'm thankful for good weather, for my health, and for time to spend with family, even if things are not always rosy.  It's family, and that's what counts.

The Sandwich Generation

I'm in the sandwich generation, caught between aging parents and angry teenagers.  I feel like mayo, spread too thin and still trying to do the job of holding it all together.  I also feel like a tomato smashed between the buns and then picked off and tossed unceremoniously in the trash.  Splat.

We visited the aging parents on hubby's side of the family today.  His dad is 76 and was just this week told he's progressed from dementia to Alzheimer's.  His wife called yesterday to update us.  He's been having silent mini-strokes.  He knows the year but has no idea what day or month it is.  He can talk for hours about his youth, but can't tell you what happened five minutes ago.  For months he has been keeping a journal of everything he does.  Wife says sometimes re-reading what he wrote previously will help him get through a day, but he has more frequent episodes of feeling like he should just end it all.  He's become a prisoner in his own body.

The hard part of this is that hubby's siblings are in denial.  They don't like Wife (much of that is her own doing) and so they think she is making this up.  I'm here to tell you he is not making it up.  Hubby and I will try to keep the peace between them all, but what a job we have ahead of us!

Upon returning home from our visit with aging parents, we dealt with the angry teenager.  Again, I realize she is stuck between wanting to remain a teenager with rules and expectations, while at the same time she really wants to be treated like an adult and be able to make her own decisions.  Unfortunately, I am taking the brunt of her anger.  She wants to tell me only what she thinks I should know but she doesn't want me to "go all mom" on her.  Easier said than done. 

Last week we had a big argument about school and her attitude.  She thinks I shouldn't worry about it.  She doesn't understand that we worry about everything!  She doesn't care about some of her classes and thinks I shouldn't either.  She tells me she won't use anything she's learning in business or english in her future.  Really?!?!  Obviously she wasn't thinking about what she was saying! 

That carried over to other things.  She warned me that she "might" want to talk to me about something that was really none of my business so she wanted me to promise not to say anything.  I was honest with her - I told her I would try but I couldn't promise not to say anything.  Apparently that was the wrong answer.  She barely spoke to me that night and then was gone the next day.  Today I discover she has blocked me from Facebook.  She's starting to cut me out of her life.  I'm torn between understanding and knowing I need to let go, and being hurt and angry and wanting to strike back.

I don't think I make a very good sandwich.

Letting Go

My house, my rules... That should make it easy, right? 

Wrong.

Daughter will be 20 soon.  She still lives at home and she wants to be able to come and go as she pleases.  For the most part, she does.  She's going to college and working almost full-time.  I don't expect her to come straight home from work every day, but she has to let us know if she'll be home for dinner or not.  And as much as I hate being tied to a cell phone all the time, I'm thankful hers is an extension of her body.  She doesn't have a problem texting me often.

The problem comes in when she wants to stay out late, especially on a weeknight. I really struggle with that.  Why is it necessary to stay out until 2 AM?  She doesn't do it every week, but probably a couple times a month.  I shouldn't complain, but I do.  I don't sleep well when she's not home.  She's been good about texting me before she heads home; at least that way I can sleep until then. I guess I'm getting used to it, but I still don't like it.  It means my little girl is growing up.

My son is also growing up.  He's 15 now, and just starting to want to hang out with friends... friends with cars.  Girl friends, too.  Tonight he was invited to go to town to eat at Steak 'N Shake, and then go to a haunted house.  Not only do I have to worry about driving, I have to worry about hormones! 

What's a mother to do?  I know I have to learn to let go, but I don't have to like it!

Fall in the Park

Visiting parks is one of our favorite things to do.  Hubby and I love walking trails, enjoying the peaceful sounds and sights of nature at her best.

With temperatures in the 70's this October, we've taken every chance we can to enjoy fall to the fullest.

Last weekend, we spent Saturday afternoon at a nearby forest preserve.  We walked several trails.  Some were wide paths covered in leaves, others were narrow paths winding up and down hills and ravines.  We climbed a tower for a view of the surrounding forest, a riot of color not visible from below.  The view was breathtaking, in more ways than one!  We watched deer grazing near the road, apparently unafraid as long as we stayed in our vehicle.  I could have watched them for hours.

This weekend, we went to a county park and walked the trails there. The sun was shining but the air was cool and breezy.  Perfect jeans and sweatshirt weather!  We had a picnic lunch and then walked a couple of trails.  It's hard to walk quietly when dry, brittle leaves cover every inch of the trails, so squirrels were the only wildlife we saw on the ground.  Turkey vultures circled high above the marshy area of the park, and as we walked along the bluff trail, we watched a bald eagle soar overhead. Unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough to get a picture.

Parks are wonderful places!  I wish my kids enjoyed them as much as hubby and I do!

Never Underestimate a Packer Fan

My house is full of Green Bay Packer fans.  Normally, that's not a problem.  It becomes a problem when the Packer games are not on channels we get.

Where we live, there is no cable.  We have a satellite dish that gets lots of channels (and sometimes there is still nothing on).  We have two black boxes with three remotes and a relatively expensive antenna for the big TV.  Hubby and son can manipulate all this equipment with their eyes closed; I can not.  One of the boxes is for regular television - ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox.  We have been frustrated since the day we moved in that we can not get what is now NBC.  The local signal has just not been strong enough to reach us.

A couple days ago, the local channel strengthened the signal.  Hubby was ecstatic.  Now he would be able to get NBC - and just in time to watch the Packers! 

Then he tried to tune in NBC.  We have four TV's in our house and the only one that would get NBC is the smallest one.  Hubby was not amused, but he didn't give up.  The electronic masterminds (hubby and son) tried everything they could think of to get it to work.  For awhile, I thought one of us was going to have to stand near the contraption holding a sheet of tin foil in order to get a good picture.  But, the masterminds prevailed (see photo) and we are now watching the Packer game.

I just hope the signal holds for the whole game...

Academics vs. Sports

Many schools today are not making the grade.

Our high school held an All-School Academic Letter Assembly this week.  The purpose was to recognize and present academic letters to students with a 3.6 or higher grade point average.  I'm glad to see the schools recognizing and promoting academic excellence.

But I give our school a C.  There is definitely room for improvement.

The assembly was scheduled for 10 AM on a school day.  Parents were invited but many parents don't have job flexibility to attend these types of events.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I could have been there.  My son was one of those being honored, and I am very proud of him.  But he didn't want me anywhere near the school because students make fun of other students whose parents do show up.  Why would the school put these kids in that position, promoting peer pressure?  Why was this important event not held in the evening when more parents could attend to show support for their children's academic achievements?

Because scheduling an honors event in the evening would interfere with sports.  Heaven forbid any sports event or awards ceremony be held during the school day - they always have to be held when a majority of parents and community can attend.

Administrators and coaches are more concerned about producing "star" athletes and winning teams than they are about producing students who will be successful, productive adults once they get out in the real world.  Many parents share that attitude.

How many of these kids are actually going to be professional athletes, or even play in college?  Very few.  I'm not saying anything against those who will, but too many parents think their kids are better than they are.  In our school, unfortunately, it all depends on who you are.  What your name is.  If you don't have the right name, or you aren't an exceptional player, you don't have a chance.

From a young age, these kids are taught that winning is everything.  Sportsmanship has gone by the wayside.  Parents are living vicariously through their kids.

The school (and some parents) really should take another look at what they are teaching our children.

Mother-Daughter Bonding

My daughter and I spent the weekend at the 32nd Annual Jackson 100 (Brownstown Speedway, Brownstown IN).  Daughter is addicted to dirt track racing.  Hubby and I have to take the blame (or the credit) for that - she's been going to the races with us since before she was born. Experts say children gravitate to sounds they heard from the womb.  She gravitates to the roar of stock car engines running wide open on dirt car tracks.

4 wide pre-race lap at Jackson 100

Daughter had been planning for this race since March, but at the last minute, the friend who was supposed to go with her backed out for reasons that seemed like excuses to us.  I encouraged daughter to let it go - not everybody has the same priorities.  But she was extremely upset and felt betrayed by her friend. I offered to go with her so she had someone to hang out with, and when she accepted, I anticipated a weekend of mother-daughter bonding.

It didn't exactly work the way I had hoped.  By the time Friday night racing was over, I was almost in tears. Instead of doing things together, Daughter wanted to control everything.  She didn't like the way I set up the tent.  She didn't like where I put the cooler.  She didn't want me getting in and out of her truck to get stuff.  Up at the track, it was my fault her camera apparently doesn't take good pictures at night - I gave it to her for Christmas.  We thought we were going to freeze sleeping in our tent, and it drizzled all night long. 

Saturday dawned wet and cool, but was an improvement over Friday.  It rained off and on all day, and we worried the race might get rained out.  We visited the pits to pass the time.  Neighboring male race fans serenaded us when we walked by in our rain boots.  "These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."  We laughed so hard we thought we'd cry.  They broke out singing very time we walked by them for the rest of the day.  During the race, they were seated a few rows below us in the stands and they were entertaining, to say the least!  We follow a bunch of the drivers, so it was exciting to watch them battle for the lead.  Unfortunately, we were very disappointed when the only driver we didn't like won the race.   

It drizzled all night again and we woke early Sunday to pack and head for home.  Daughter was back in control mode, telling me what to do.  I wasn't allowed to put anything in the truck - it was her truck and she wanted to pack it.  She didn't like the way I folded blankets.  I didn't take the stuff out of the tent in the order she wanted to pack it.  She argued about how to fold up the tent.  She ordered me to get what I wanted out of the cooler before she closed the tailgate. Finally, we were on the road home.  

Along the way, I thought about the weekend. No, it wasn't necessarily what I had hoped it would be.  But then I remembered what she posted on Facebook when I offered to go with her, and I realized I had been thinking about things that aren't really important.  What's important is what was in her heart:  Thanks for going with me this weekend... You're always there looking out for me. So thank you. Love you. 

Complaint-Free Meals

When I was growing up, mom cooked dinner and fixed our plates, and we ate what was on our plates.  Unless we could sneak it to the dog and not get caught.  Too bad the dog didn't like broccoli.

My husband and I agreed when we had kids that we wouldn't force them to eat things they didn't like.  Now I wonder, just how stupid were we?

We should have made the kids at least TRY more foods they claimed they didn't like.  But we were young, and we thought we knew better than our parents.  We didn't force them to try things.  As they got older, we offered them choices.  This practice became more ingrained as the kids became involved in sports.  We either ate fast food on the way home from games, or we ate whatever we could find when we got home.  Sometimes we had breakfast for dinner.

Now I realize we have created monsters.  Son and daughter, for the most part, don't like the same foods.  If we fix something one likes, the other one is mad.  We try to alternate, but it's not always easy to do. And that means we are fixing two meals on nights everyone is home -- something we swore we would never do.

Not that I'm anxious for my kids to grow up and move out -- well, sometimes I am -- but Hubby and I are looking forward to the day we can cook food we like and enjoy complaint-free meals!

God Bless the USA

There are not enough words to express all the emotions swirling on this, the 10^th Anniversary of 9/11.

I had dropped my kids off at school and was on my way to work when I heard that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  I turned the radio up and listened with disbelief as more information became available.  I don’t think I accomplished anything at work that day – I know I spent most of that day, and the days that followed, glued to the internet for whatever information I could find. 

My heart goes out to all of those who were personally touched by this tragedy.  Songs like Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning (Alan Jackson), American Soldier and Angry American (Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue) (Toby Keith) say what so many of us struggle to put into words. 

But Lee Greenwood says it best in his song God Bless the USA:

And I'm proud to be an American

where at least I know I'm free,

And I won't forget the men who died

who gave that right to me,

And I gladly stand up next to you

and defend her still today,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land

God Bless the U.S.A.

Amen.

Senior Citizen Parents Take Road Trip

"We're going home."

Words that strike fear in the heart of this daughter.  "Home" is a 6-7 hour drive away from where we currently live.  It's not the thought of "home" that worries me.  It's the thought of mom and dad DRIVING there!  On a busy holiday weekend, no less!

Mom is 71, and she's been the primary driver for years.  I rarely ride with her, but when I do, I never see her move her head in any direction!  I swear she has tunnel vision and only sees what is directly in front of her.  The last time I rode with her, I asked if she ever checked her mirrors.  No brownie points for me.

Dad is three years younger, and he is a front-passenger-seat driver.  He could be a backseat driver but he never rides in the back.  He doesn't have a license, and for a very good reason: he hates driving.  When he did have a license, he scared us all to death.  He spent more time looking at the scenery than he did the road!

The trip home averages 6-7 hours and entails traversing three states.  Mom and dad plan to make the trip over two days.  I'm glad they will take their time, stopping numerous times along the way to get out and stretch.  I think they also plan to take two-lane roads rather than the interstate.  I'm hoping the holiday traffic will be less intense on the two-lane roads.

I wish cars were made better to protect drivers who aren't as quick with their reactions as they used to be.  Maybe someone should design and market special cars for senior citizens.  Cars with big front ends, and rubber bumpers all the way around would be good.  Cars with sensors everywhere so anytime the drivers get too close -- to anything! -- beepers go off, warning them to pay attention.  If my parents were driving such a car, I might feel a little better about them taking a road trip.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents.  I hope they have a good trip.  But I will be praying for their safety.  And I will be glad when they return and stay closer to their current home!

I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes...

...and that ain't what it takes to love me...

That old Jim Stafford song came to mind this summer when I found a snake on my patio. Where snakes don't belong. Next to my patio door.

I was trying to slip quietly out the patio door to snap a picture of a baby bunny in the backyard. I looked down at the flowerpots.  "There's a snake on my patio!" I yelled.  I was NOT happy.  My son came out, took one look and disappeared into the house.  I tried to be calm - as calm as I could be with a snake on my patio, anyway!  I closed the door and moved slowly away.  It didn't move, so I started snapping pictures.  Proof for my husband that it really was there, because I had no doubt it would escape before he came home. 

My son finally came back out to the patio, dressed in jeans and work boots and carrying a long-handled shovel.  I grabbed a big bucket from the shed.  He stuck the shovel between the flower pots and dragged the snake out where we could pop the bucket over top of it.  And then we put a huge rock on top because I wasn't taking any chances that it could get out!

Son wanted to kill it and eat it; he said he's curious what snake tastes like.  I was all for killing it but he wasn't going to cook it in MY house!  Hubby overruled us both when he arrived home.  He shoveled it into another bucket and took it out in the country to turn it loose.  Being paranoid, I went along to be sure he went far, far away before he turned it loose.   

That was Saturday.  I didn't sleep for days, worrying about that snake coming back.  Thursday night, Hubby stuck his head in the back door and asked Son to come help him for a minute.  In that instant, I knew that snake was back!  Son came back in to get batteries for a headlamp and admitted Hubby had seen a snake by the shed door.  What was Hubby thinking when he left it there to come get help?  I can't believe he thought it would stay there, just waiting for him to catch it.  And of course, it didn't.  When they went back out, it was gone.  It was kind of funny, watching them bob around the backyard in the dark with flashlights. But they never did find it and I refused to go out in the backyard for a few more days.

Now I check beside the flowerpots before I open the patio door.  I'm thinking a nicely landscaped yard isn't necessarily a great thing.  Maybe just plain old dirt would be better...

There is no "I" in "TEAM"

I'm becoming grumpy and opinionated in my midlife. 

We recently attended the annual fall sports dinner hosted by the fan club, followed by an introduction of students playing fall sports.  I think it's great that the kids are recognized.

But I want to blow the whistle on politics in school sports.

Back in my day, playing sports was very different than it is today. Athletes worked to earn their place on a team, and every one of them had equal opportunity. If you had an off day, you sat and someone else got a chance to play. Your teammates were supportive, not bullies.  And it didn’t matter who your parents were.

Today, many athletes are not required to earn their place.  They have a starting spot because they have the right name.  If you don’t have the right name, you’re never given an opportunity to show what you can do.  If these “star” athletes have an off day, they still play, while others who are perfectly capable of taking their place sit the bench.  Teammates are cocky and rude, putting others down more often than not.  But coaches do nothing.  It matters more who your parents are, and what they can do for the school – or for the coach. 

You see, too many parents are living vicariously through their athletes.  Too many parents believe their athlete is better than every other athlete out there, and that the rules should not apply to their child. They believe their child should never have to sit out – for any reason.   

There is no “I” in “TEAM”, people.

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to lead by example, and teach my kids to stand up for what they believe in, for what is right.  But if I speak out about this practice, my children will bear the brunt of the backlash. I’ve seen it happen to others.  My children have begged us not to say anything – they’d rather suffer through it than have us complain.  So what’s a parent to do?

This parent is counting the years until the youngest graduates...

Welcome to the Midlife Referee

I am a forty-something mother of two teenagers and the eldest (bossy) daughter of aging parents.  Although I am not a certified referee, I feel I have earned my stripes with my family.  I often find myself trying to keep the peace between my teenagers and their father (who is my third child), or commiserating with one parent over why the other is driving them crazy.  In addition to my referee stripes, I have earned every single gray hair on my head!

The Midlife Referee is my outlet for staying sane.  I hope reading about my experiences can either make you laugh, or encourage you to stay strong as you cope with your own family crisis. You CAN do it!

So grab your whistle and join me in this adventure!