In-laws in Trouble

In the midst of a busy week, we took some extra time off work to visit and check on my father-in-law, since we needed to be in town for a soccer game.  Earlier in the day, my mother-in-law called.  She was at her wits’ end with my father-in-law.  Twice this week he has made his way too far up a 4 lane, divided highway on his three-wheel bike.  Both times, he was found by someone who said he was disoriented and seemed out of it.  Mother-in-law wants to take the bike away now, just as she did the golf cart.  That could be more bad than good - at least with the bike he needs to stay on some semblance of a road.  If he is on foot, he could go anywhere.  We’d never find him.

Hubby talked, or rather listened, to his dad while I urged my mother-in-law outside to talk.  She was crying and upset and that was only going to upset him more.  Besides, I hate it when she talks about him as if he isn’t there, even though his hearing is so bad he probably doesn’t hear anything she says.  It just makes me uncomfortable.

She said she just can’t take it any more. She had hoped to keep him home with her for 5-6 more years at least, but he’s become more than she can handle.  She’s exhausted and frustrated.  She’d called the doctors office and asked for help getting him admitted to a nursing home, or rather an Alzheimer’s unit.  They called back while we were there, and they wanted to be sure his kids are in agreement that it’s time. Most of us are.  Those who aren’t are in denial of his condition.  They are quick to criticize her handling of the situation - and although over the years, she hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the kids, they don’t have to live with him.  They don’t have to put up with his mood swings and other problems like she does.  Until they do, they should not be so quick to judge her.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has only an 8th grade education.  She has been struggling to understand the legal documents required for insurance and medical purposes.  Although she is happy to complain to us about things, she doesn’t want to share those things with us - I think because she’s scare of losing control.  The problem is that in not understanding the papers, she’s creating a deeper hole for herself (for them).  For instance, she should have turned in the papers to Family Services requesting help weeks ago.  She didn’t turn them in until yesterday.  We talked about the nursing home papers and getting him on a list weeks ago, too.  She didn’t fill out any of the papers and turn them in - until yesterday when she couldn’t take it anymore.  But nursing homes and Family Services don’t help you the minute you turn in papers. They take time to read the information, to assess and investigate, before they make any commitments to helping you.  So in essence, she’s weeks behind where she could be, if only she had turned in the papers previously.  If only she had asked for help.  Yes, we’ve offered.

We also learned they have not filed income tax documents for past few years.  Now the IRS is on them.  They may lose their house because my father-in-law insisted on handling the papers himself when they bought the house, instead of getting a lawyer.  Now they are locked into some kind of balloon loan with a high interest rate, and one that for some reason has to be renewed every five years.  Never heard of such a thing, so I don’t know if what she is telling us is accurate or if it’s a confused interpretation of her own (mis)understanding.

My mother-in-law is also upset that the other siblings do not try to help.  Three of us live within an hour of their house.  The other two are not too much farther away.  If all of them would make an attempt to come once a month and visit for a couple hours, it would make a huge difference.  My father-in-law is coherent enough at times that he knows who has been there and who has not.  And my thought is, if you aren’t going to make the effort to visit, then why should you get to make decisions on his care?  You aren’t there.  You aren’t witnessing his deterioration like we are.  I don’t care that they don’t like my mother-in-law. I’m pretty sure it’s mutual.  But, shouldn’t you care enough about you dad to at least call?

One of these days, probably sooner than later, he’s going to be gone and then they’ll wish they had these days back.  I’ll have a hard time feeling sorry for them when they had ample opportunity and didn’t take it.  And it’s not like they don’t realize it - we’ve all talked about it.  They just choose to let us deal with it, while they ignore it.

Sometimes I wish they weren’t family so I could tell them what I really think.