Getting Lost

A man can't even get lost when he wants to.

Those were the words my father-in-law uttered when we found him in St. Louis earlier this year. Since then, he has tried numerous times to "get lost" without success. They took his golf-cart away because it didn't have lights and turn signals, and in their town, that's against the law. It also meant he couldn't travel so far from home. Or so we thought.

My mother-in-law got him a three-wheel bike when the golf cart went away. He has to work a little harder to make it go, but that hasn't stopped him. His physical condition has never been the problem. In the past week or so, my father-in-law has twice taken a four-lane divided highway (not an interstate) several miles from home. Both times, thankfully, someone realized he was confused and helped get him home. But this is dangerous because of the type of traffic on the roads these days. It's harvest, so there are numerous tractors and other farm vehicles, along with many more semi's hauling crops to the elevators.

Another day, he managed to get almost 8 miles away, the opposite direction, before a concerned farmer and his family cornered him. He didn't know where he was, but he did know where he was going, and he was going the right direction. That's scary.

Hubby went and spent the afternoon with his dad one day this past week, giving my mother-in-law a chance to go run errands and take a break. Part way through the afternoon, he told my hubby that he knows his wife is up to something, he's not sure what but he is sure it's nothing good. And he's right. She's trying to get everything in place to admit him to the nursing home. While I understand that at some point she can no longer care for him the way he needs to be cared for, I don't think she's trying very hard any more. I think she's decided she just can't handle it - and maybe she can't - so it's time for him to go. But she doesn't want to take the blame (from him) for that. She wants the hubby and his siblings to "put him in" the nursing home.

It's not going to happen, unless she bolts. As his wife, it is her responsibility to take care of him. His kids don't have power of attorney, they don't have any legal right to make decisions for him. On top of that, again - they don't like her, and they don't believe their dad is to the point where he needs to be in the nursing home. Frankly, neither do I. I think my mother-in-law needs to take advantage of the programs that are available to help her - and there are quite a few. She just doesn't want to do the paperwork involved. I know this to be true because she told me that she doesn't understand the papers so she just doesn't fill them out. We could offer to help, but that would mean she would have to share financial information with us, and she is bound and determined not to do that.

So, every day we expect another call from her, crying and saying she can't take it any more. And while I sympathize because I know it's not easy to deal with Alzheimer's 24/7, I have no respect for her trying to make everyone else do her dirty work. We're willing to help but we're not going to do it for her.

In the meantime, my father-in-law continues to try to get lost. My biggest fear is that one of these days he will succeed. And then, all Hell is going to break loose.