I really hate when my kids are hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help them. Oh, I know it’s all part of growing up, but sometimes I think it’s harder to watch them learn to deal with life than it was to be the one going through it. If only I could fix things. If only I could shield them from the things that make them unhappy. But I also realize life experiences make them who they are. And so I watch and pray for God to give them strength and guide them to make good decisions.
Daughter is in her first SERIOUS relationship. She’s been in other relationships I know she thought were serious but they weren’t, not compared to this one. I believe she and her boyfriend really do love each other, but they haven’t yet figured out how to compromise and not lose themselves in the process. They are both stubborn, opinionated individuals. I love that he is strong enough to stand up to her – she needs someone not afraid to stand up to her. I love that she is learning when to stand her ground and when it’s not so important. But I hate that they are hurting each other in the process.
I’ve tried to share with her that no marriage is perfect. Some couples argue more than others. But the bottom line is they need to respect each other, and communicate. From what she’s told me, they both feel the other wants everything their way. I know she’s determined and stubborn, but if she feels that strongly about something, I don’t think she should give in. They have to learn the give and take that sustains relationships. They need to do things together but they also need time apart.
His upbringing was very different from hers. I suspect that is part of the problem. It doesn’t make either of them any better than the other, but it’s painful for them to find a compromise that works for both of them. Holidays are a good example. When you join two families, you have to make an effort to be a part of both. That may mean traveling to two different places in one day, if it’s doable. It may mean Thanksgiving at his house and Christmas at mine this year, with the understanding that next year it will be reversed. It’s hard as a parent not to try to influence how they choose, but you have to do it.
She’s only 21 and she has her whole life before her. I just want her to be happy. If he makes her happy, then that’s great. But if he doesn’t, if she spends more time unhappy than she is happy, then maybe it’s time for her to move on. I know it’s not an easy decision, but I pray that God will give her the courage, the strength to do what is best for her.
I can’t tell her what that is; I can only be here for her if she needs me. I can only encourage her to think things through, to make a list of pros and cons, to think about the consequences of either decision and be sure she is ready to face them.
Being a parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
No comments:
Post a Comment